the practical artist

From TORONTO,
March 1st, 2008

It has been brought to my recent attention that Larry LaForet, the administrator (read: guy who gets shit done) at my esteemed alma mater, Toronto's James Brown Theatre School, has been advertising this humble page in the school's newsletter. Imagine my surprise on discovering that an entire generation of young actors is being exposed to the thoughts, dreams and wisdom contained herein. This, I thought, is surely an opportunity that must not be passed by! I must do all I can to help these young people! I must warn them of pitfalls! Prepare them for joys! Direct them away from jobs that they will beat me out for! Ignore that last bit! Above all, I must use many -MANY! - exclamation points!!!(!)

So here, excitedly sweating and shivery reader, is the first ever official edition of.....
THE SKEPTICAL TOURIST'S ADVICE TO YOUNG ACTORS.

First things first.
On AUDITIONS:
It really can't be said enough: just be yourself. For instance, if you wake up the morning of a big audition wearing sweatpants and a bra.....Well, that's you, isn't it? And if it's good enough for you, it should be good enough for them. The last thing a director wants is one more cookie-cutter theatre school grad wearing pants and a shirt. I mean, please. Booooo-ring.

The Tourist's personal, much-honed, never-fail patented three secrets to landing theatre jobs:
1. Big Hair.
2. Loud voice.
3. Lots of facial expressions and hand gestures.

For film auditions, best to get as close to the camera as possible. About an inch or two will do. And again, speak as loudly as you can, and make exaggerated facial expressions - you don't want to lose a part because they missed something or because your choices were unclear.

The night before a voice audition, be sure to drink a lot of bourbon and smoke a pack or two of cigarettes. Suck some cock if possible. The scratchy sound is "in". Trust me. And if you don't get the job, hey, at least you had some fun preparing.

When auditioning/working for a woman, be sure to compliment her on how clever and articulate she is for a lady director. She needs and will appreciate the encouragement; use it unsparingly. In the case of a non-white director.....oh, wait. That never happens. Although, it must be said, the performing arts is right up there as one of Canada's most ethnically diverse employment sectors, coming only after:
Accountancy and business services
Advertising, marketing and PR
Banking, investment and insurance
Construction
Education
Engineering
Environmental, food chain and rural
Fashion and textile
Food and drink
Health
Hospitality
Human resources and recruitment
Information technology
Legal services
Local, regional and national government
Manufacturing
Oil, gas and petroleum
Property
Publishing
Retail
Science
Small to medium-sized enterprises (SMEs)
Social care
Sport and leisure
Tourism
Transport and logistics

So there you go. By the way, James Brown College does offer excellent courses in all of the above, in case you should happen to be interested. The motorcycle maintenance program has a particularly fine reputation, as does jewellery construction. Perhaps a double major?

On WORKSHOPS:
Throughout your wildly successful career, you will participate in many readings/workshops of new plays. Expect to be asked your candid opinion of the dialogue, character arcs, et cetera. I take this aspect of my work very seriously, and am always sure to present the author with pages of detailed notes and criticisms, harsh if necessary. It is of no help to anyone to be polite; if the play, in your valuable opinion, sucks, simply say, "This play sucks." And then walk out. It's direct, it's to the point, and the playwright will thank you later. At least I assume so. No one's thanked me yet....but it's just a matter of time.

On ACTING SHAKESPEARE:
Louder! More facial expressions! Bigger hair!

A general, but crucial note:
LIVE FAST! DIE YOUNG! (Hereafter referred to as LFDY)
Let's face it. Pretty soon your looks are going to fade and the parts will dry up. So you might as well enjoy life while you can. Besides, drugs are fun! Excessive drinking will impress your friends! And unprotected sex with strangers.....ROCKS! But you're in college, I don't need to tell you any of this. In fact, you could probably teach me a thing or two. To do so, contact me at your convenience.

On PLAY PRACTICE:
Here you are, fresh out of school, and you've landed your first gig. You are the youngest and least experienced person in the cast. Rehearsals begin this morning and you're terrified. Don't be, young and sexy reader! First of all, if you've been following the Golden Rule (see LFDY, above), the booze should have taken a bit of the edge off. Secondly, just look at it this way. You, of all people, are prepared for this process, freshly equipped with all the tools you need to get you through. For example, who in the rehearsal hall has the most recent experience whooshing around in a neutral mask being the wind? You do! Who is an expert at lying on the floor and moaning? Why, you again! Who knows the most stunning variety of trust and clapping games? You guessed it - YOU, you acting star you!

Speaking of trust and clapping games, don't hesitate to share these with your fellow professionals. Experienced performers, particularly much older ones who haven't had the benefit of recent theatre school training, will really appreciate what you have to give. Not only does taking, say, an hour of each rehearsal morning to teach trust exercises provide a forum for a true bonding experience amongst the cast, but your director is likely to be tangibly grateful and come to see you as an assistant director of sorts.

While on the topic of older actors, I should tell you that, yes, you can expect a share of ribbing about your youth. Costars will constantly squeal when they hear your age, pinch your cheeks or other parts of you, and remind you that they have socks that are not only older than you are, but have made more appearances on stage. This, however, is a situation that can be alleviated by use of another tried and true technique of mine. Think back. What did your dad always tell you about bullies? That's right: just bend over and take it quietly. But what did your grandpa tell you? If you let them get away with it the first time, it will never stop. Well, the same principle applies here. So, to set an unforgettable precedent, the first time someone refers to you as the "baby of the cast", immediately knee him right in the crotch. Then, to avoid awkwardness, explain that it's nothing personal and offer to teach him "the one where you clap your names across the circle". Better yet, offer help with that dialect he's obviously struggling with, or to tap his back during his vocal warmup. I took this approach with esteemed stage actor Jim Mezon, and we are the better friends for it.

on FILM:
How the fuck should I know? I mean, um.....

on FESTIVALS:
When you land your first season at one of the large theatre festivals, you will encounter the repertory system, working on two or three productions simultaneously. Take it from one with experience: one of the plays is bound to be lousy. Why waste your energy trying to make that one any good? Better to concentrate your efforts and talents (not to mention best facial expressions) on the play you like, and use the other one as a little break. Instead of preparing or warming up, get your knitting or decoupage done backstage - or better yet, ON stage. And why bother learning your lines when you can sneak a script on with you as a prop and simply read them aloud? As quickly as you can. Stage management will love you for this as you will be reliable, shave tens of minutes off a boring play, and can also prompt anyone else who forgets a line.

While on the topic of STAGE MANAGEMENT...... Many people are intimidated by their SM. This is silly. After all, the stage management, like all the rest of the support staff, is there to help you, the actor, at the front lines. Your stage manager will sometimes give you notes on your performance: while you may not actually take the notes, always smile politely and thank her; she is just trying to be a part of your important world. To make an assistant stage manager feel important, give her little tasks, such as fetching you coffee. These small gestures may seem insignificant, but believe me, they will add up, and your stage management team will never forget you.
This general approach also works well with designers (who by the way love, even need, to hear your every criticism of their work), technicians, production managers, publicists, and anyone else who works in your shadow.

Back to the rep system. Another aspect of this world is UNDERSTUDYING.
Don't forget that this is a collaborative experience. The role is as much yours as it is the actor's who is "playing" it; after all, you may need to go on at any moment. Ask questions of the other actor during rehearsals.....make sure you understand all of her choices.....offer help on bits she isn't getting right......try on her costumes from time to time to make sure they work for you. And if she seems tense on opening night, slip a little something in her water to help her relax. As they're always telling you in school, just be as generous as you can.

Above all, see the festival system as what it is: Summer Theatre Camp. And you know what that means: yet another great opportunity to....you guessed it, LIVE FAST DIE YOUNG! And at all costs (literally), don't leave your run there (or anywhere) with savings in the bank! Leave with an impressive wardrobe of expensive clothes and electronic gadgets that will comfort you through tough times to come!

Besides, everyone knows when you leave one gig, you get another one IMMEDIATELY! At least you will - if you're sure to follow all these valuable tips (and any more to follow) from.....

Your dearest friend,

The Skeptical Tourist