The Eiffel Tower Swimsuit Issue

From BLYTH, ONTARIO

On BERLIN & PARIS
July 2nd, 2008

First, a lesson, just to get your eyes acclimatised, my Continental Reader.

Europe:

Not Europe:

And again. Europe:

Not. Frickin'. Europe.

Yes, those other two were taken across the street from the stunning Hotel Europa in Niagara Falls, Ontario, where I will no doubt return someday for a slightly cheaper version of the romantic overseas experience. And a wider variety of microscopic insects and toilet seat diseases.

Enough. This is the photo issue, dammit.....and I think you may be ready.

BERLIN:

Hey! Look! Contrary to popular North American belief, Berlin is not actually in black and white! At least not since the sweeping Letsnotlookenlikeeinenewsreelundinfactletsenpartyalldienacht andnotbeclosendieklubsundalsodrinkendiebeerindiestreet Reforms of 1982.
So colour is a recent development......and all the more impressive for it.

(In one of the city's many huge and gorgeous parks)

Along the sunny spree:

The shots below are from Museum Island -er, Insel. The purty old church is only a hundred years old; it was built to replace another church that burned down, which had been built to replace another one that burnt down. All this before it got bombed during the war. Ah, peaceful Berlin. The shell to the right of it is the former East German parliament, which they've been taking apart for years now. Apparently in Commie times it housed several hopping discos and a bowling alley. Seriously. You can't make this shit up.

Altes (old) Museum: You may have seen footage of Hitler giving speeches in front of this building. He thought it would make a serious, imposing backdrop and make people mistake the Nazis for something along the lines of the Roman Empire. Note questionable replacement of Hitler with Calgarian blondes.



The floating Russian soldier at Checkpoint Charlie:


Typically Berlin bizarre tourist shit:

The "Checkpoint Curry" Currywurst stand .....


.....That much-coveted souvenir gas mask that all
my friends back home had begged and begged for....

....And, of course, the Brandenburg Gates and
the Titanic rendered
in tasty German chocolate.

Here are the two dudes dressed up as American and Russian soldiers at Checkpoint Charlie. That's a "1 Euro for photo" sign on the one guy's crotch.

If you try to snap a pic without paying, they do what the other dude was quick enough for: cover themselves with their flags. I did pay, by the way, and pose for a shot with them. But in it, I seem rather miserable and confused - sore feet? Bad drugs? Gas? Mostly, I think, I was trying to look serious and venue-appropriate - unlike my American companions who posed on the lap of the grieving mother statue while giving the thumbs-up...and ditched the tour half-way through.

A piece of the Wall:

At the Reichstag (which you're now supposed to call the Bundestag; the official pamphlet insists on this - and then it immediately goes back to saying "Reichstag" in the next paragraph), where I got a little snap-happy....

......And where I took my self-portrait-ization to a whole new level (eerie lighting and all...though I clearly should have splurged on a better hairstylist).

Mm-mm-MMM! Eva Longoria looooves her some German ice cream!

Helps her keep her figure!

Mm-mm-MMM! Indy loves him some Konigreichs des Kristallschadels! Mmm! Yeah!

The Berlin Fuhrnseturm (or some variation of that, which I am too lazy to look up). Real groovy- looking from the ground, no great shakes to go up, especially if you hail from the CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE and have been to the top of the CN Tower several times. (Yes, I will let you touch my feet, for a small fee.) Berlin's beauty is at ground level anyway. But it IS a groovy tower.

The entrance gate to the beautiful Berlin Zoo....

...And a sampling of the five million photographs I took inside:

Below, also in the zoo: Hands-down the strangest fountain I've ever seen. A devil spitting on a young boy's head and naked body. There's a nearby statue of Lida and the swan, so maybe this one's from some fable or myth as well??? Fucking weird, that's all I have to say. Berlin, Berlin, Berlin. What am I gonna do with you?





Okay. You know what, Naive and Trusting Reader? I'm done. At least for today. I mean, I've been awake for, like, hours.....and my medicinal vodka alarm is ringing. You're pooped, too, I'm sure, what with the overload of artistic beauty, not to mention monkeys and giraffes.

So, as is becoming usual, I lied. The Paris photos will have to wait until another day. Suckahhhs!

Oh, wait. That's no way to treat you, my loyal and magnificently gorgeous public. I smooch you all. And, as thanks for sticking with me thus far......

Bonus Monkey Video!!! Just like you've all been waiting for!!! Woo Hoo!






A million kisses on all your little monkey paws,
Your Sophisticated Lady,

The Tourist