From TORONTO
April 9th, 2007
FREEZTER WEEKEND
Ahhh......the traditional minus two degrees Easter Sunday. (Said I wouldn't complain about the weather, said I wouldn't complain about the weather....) Please allow me to just say: MOTHERFUCKER! CHRIST! BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY HELL!
Okay. Resolution back on track.
And now, the traditional Easter/Passover random thoughts from some dumb bitch with nothing better to do:
THE GIRL WHO FORGOT STUFF
In my last post I speculated on whether anyone had ever written a novel based on a play or film instead of the other way around. Take note, gentle reader: the insanely talented Sean Dixon (playwright/actor/astronaut) has, in fact, written a novel based on his play The Girls Who Saw Everything. Sean, in fact, told me ALL ABOUT IT a couple of months ago when I ran into him at the Film Buff. I forgot this (though it obviously wormed into my subconscious mind) because I am, in fact, a moron. Please go to this ("Sean Dixon's Authorial Banjoree" at the Gladstone, April 26th). You could win a ukelele. Or this (Coach House Press' Spring Launch May 2nd at Revival). Please buy his book (in hard cover, for lots and lots of money, if you can, so that he will get something out of it). I personally guarantee it will be weird and good. Or Sean will give you your lots and lots of money back. And massage your feet.
CHAMPAGNE COCAINE CHOW MEIN COBAIN:
THE SHAUGHNESSY BISHOP-STALL STORY
Speaking of weird and wonderful writers, Shaughnessy Bishop-Stall (or Young BS to Tourist regulars) is upset that mentions of him have become less mythic and mysterious. He takes issue with the fact that he went from Adventures With Bridesmaids to merely being The Guy My Ceiling Nearly Fell On. I take issue with his WHINING AND COMPLAINING. Not sure whining fits with the sexy rogue image you're goin' for there, BS. Get a motorcycle or something and maybe we'll talk.
Okay, okay......to appease my dissattisfied friend, I challenge you, sexy and talented reader, to reply to this post with a paragraph, or even a sentence, furthering the Young BS Myth. You needn't know him personally. Key words and phrases (inspired by the actual life of Bishop-Stall) may include but are by no means limited to: Hot Lesbian Doctor, Boozecan, Deadline, Bisexual Vampire Party, Writing Class, Poker Binge, Champagne, Cocaine, Chow Mein, Cobain. I know, what a boring guy! Good luck making anything interesting out of that.
LISA NORTONS UNITE!
Recently I was Googling myself - not in public, don't worry, I've learned my lesson since the arrest - and I discovered that there is a wide variety of incredibly interesting people out there named Lisa Norton. I thought I'd compile a list of Top Ten Lisa Nortons and post it on this Blague. The rankings would be a tough call (to name but a few, there's an award-winning novelist, a renowned sculptor, an Ecologist specializing in sustainable land use, and an eleven-year veteran high-school bus driver in Pittsylvania, Virginia who is also a substitute teacher and often fills in on a moment's notice when she drops off the students). My Outsized Ego, however, allowed me to assume, while reading through doctors, lawyers and saints with my name, that I would easily allow myself to top the list. That I would be the Number One Lisa Norton! Norton Supreme! La Norta Grande!
Then, sweet-smelling reader, I encountered the website of "14.6 year-old" Lisa Norton of Bradford, Ontario, a sassy, irreverent kid with huge feet, a wry sense of humour and a passion for writing and drawing.
http://ca.geocities.com/lisa_da_punk_rocker/index.htm
I'm so afraid for this girl. She reminds me in some ways of myself at a younger age - and God knows I could have gone bad, instead of achieving the infinite good that I do now. (No need to thank me, homeless lepers.) She's probably hanging out at the mall with some deadbeat boy or girlfriend, too busy worrying about what bands she should like (and why that burning sensation won't go away) to bother drawing and writing poems anymore. Worse yet, perhaps all the stories and comics seem a childish waste of time when she has so much chemistry homework and has to achieve that 95 average if she wants to get into Queens. Maybe she's got a kid or two by now. Maybe she dropped out of school and became a stripper at the local Bradford peeler bar. Spends her nights trying to get the guys she ignored in high school to slip some bills into her g-string. Giving lapdances to her former teachers. The guy she once had a big crush on is now the sleazy emcee/resident dealer. He expects the occasional handjob in his van if you want him to play the right song when you dance.
OR, most frightening of all, perhaps I am destined to never find Lisa Norton 14.6, as she is an alternate version of me in a parrallel universe and never the twain shall meet. If I find her....my head will blow up. Sigh.
BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT
Dreamgirls is such a piece of crap! Oh My God! That is all.
But you're still hot, Beyonce. Don't worry baby, I don't blame you. Anytime you and Jennifer Hudson invite me back to that hot tub, I'm there. Send the good jet. This time the caviar's on me.
