From TORONTO
January 21st, 2008
Dear friends who have an afternoon to kill,
SURE!
UHHH.....NOT SO MUCH.
In other thrilling Tourist News, Confused-yet-oddly-turned-on-by-Condi-in-the-bath Reader, I have found Lisa Norton 14.6! Or rather she has found me! Some of you will remember that back in an earlier post ("She is Risen", April 2007 http://skepticaltourist.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html) I wrote of my adventures reading about the other Lisa Nortons of the world, in particular one funny talented young blaguist who shared my name but seemed to have dropped off the face of the worldwide web. Well, both lo and behold, through the magic of F*@#Book (and people who have nothing better to do), the now 19 year-old Lisa has been informed of my existence and gotten in touch. Read her comments on She Is Risen and Touristmas Time (December). I actually teared up a little....and maybe not just because I was on my period and crying at the drop of a tampon. I also credit Lisa Norton the younger with exposing me to a new exciting demographic of hot young lesbiotic groupies. I'm sure that explains it...not that such glorious mysteries need be explained.
I think when you board one of those streetcars that's painted pink and covered with ads for Dirty Dancing (The Classic Story Now on Stage), you know, the ones that make all the macho TTC drivers feel like nancies, you should be greeted by dancing, singing members of the original cast. Bumping and grinding and slithering around the streetcar poles.
If you're not in the mood you can wait for the Amarula Cream car, on which they serve you shots and speak Swahili. Cheetahs prowl up and down and eat you if you don't pay the proper fare or talk too loudly on your cell phone. Incidentally....where do those dickheads get off calling Amarula Cream "The Spirit of Africa" anyway? Yeah, a fruity cream liqueur: that seems to embody the essence of a CONTINENT. Okay, now I'm pissed off. Mostly because no one is giving me free booze on the streetcar.
The Safeway in Regina has a sign at the deli counter proclaiming, "We will shave anything." Do you think they would have shaved my legs? I always wanted to plunk one hairy gam up on the counter, just to see.
If you look up "arts" in the yellow pages, you will find it between "artificial eyes" and "asbestos". I don't know what that means but I thought you should know.
When I was small I was a little obsessed with the yellow pages. It was, after all, the Internet of the eighties. I thought it especially bizarre and somewhat thrilling that anyone could just look up prostitutes and call them. Clowns....Dentists.....Escorts.....all in the same book! A book I was allowed to look at! In broad daylight! Ahh....the wonders of childhood.
Today, passing by College and Grace, I noticed a new restaurant called - wait for it - "I Feel Like Crepe". Oh, College West, how much lower can you sink? A little further west is the future site of the Little Italy Cube Lofts, starting at 400 grand for a loft sized 5x5. Inches, not feet. So you can conveniently hold your apartment in the palm of your hand.
Brilliant idea #468,972: The adults only Easter egg hunt. Have an Easter party with your friends (or maybe just the ones you hope to see naked) and stage a hunt, hiding drugs, porn and mini bottles of booze. Oh yeah, and chocolate (chicks dig it). Let the search (and the please-don't-tell-anyone-at-the-office-on-Monday party) begin! If anyone actually uncovers secret perverted things that you've stashed around your place and forgotten were there, you can play it cool and pretend they were part of the hunt. "You found it! Good for you! Yeah, I know, DISGUSTING, eh?!"
Speaking of disgusting (and I often am).....have you noticed that the tone of your dirty email spam is getting weirder and weirder? No, I am not responsible. But seriously - what's with all the kinky farm sluts? The horny grannies? I suppose at some point the spammers realized that folks could get ordinary porn anytime anywhere...so now they're really working hard to attract your attention. "Hey, I never thought I wanted to see circus performers get it on with one-legged goats...but now that you mention it....and hey, the link is right there in front of me....."
And here is the opposition leader drinking a milkshake.
Do you suppose anyone ever broke up with Beyonce on account of her body being too Bootylicious for him? "Sorry......It's not you.....I just don't think I'm ready for this jelly." I ask this because it's a problem I face time and time again.
Most anticipated film of the year:
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Wait! Maybe you didn't hear me. I said: Harold and Kumar ESCAPE from GUANTANAMO BAY!!! To further illustrate my point:
Very exciting! Or maybe that's just me....after all, I'm one of those people who would rather kiss Harold and Kumar than Brad Pitt.
Also looking forward to the new 3DU2 concert film...though I can't help wishing they'd brought back Smell-O-Vision for that one. What does Bono's sweat smell like? I'm fairly jumping up and down over Be Kind Rewind, an upcoming Michel Gondry flick starring Jack Black and my boyfriend Mos Def. From the Internet movie database: A man (Black) whose brain becomes magnetized unintentionally destroys every tape in his friend's video store. In order to satisfy the store's most loyal renter, an aging woman with signs of dementia, the two men set out to remake the lost films, which include Back to the Future, The Lion King, and Robocop. Not to mention Ghostbusters. Below is the super awesome trailer.......
Helpful Hint # 18.5: If one leaves a muffin, uncovered, in the same fridge as some smoked fish that is just past its due date, one may create.......a carrot-apple-smoked-trout muffin. This is not a good thing.
The odd image you see above is the "Live with Theatre" version of the city of Toronto's Live With Culture campaign. Clearly I've been going to the wrong plays. I want the ones with the men wrestling in their underwear. In fact, I want to be in those plays. I'll play the underwear.Life brand has a product called "invisible ladies' antiperspirant". Is that what all the invisible ladies use? I guess if you were running around being invisible, but then started sweating a lot, it could blow your cover. And that would suck.
When I was a kid, I thought that President's Choice Products were all of Ronald Reagan's favourite foods.
Great lyrics that make no sense #372:
From Michael Jackson's Beat It: "They'll kick you and they'll beat you and they'll tell you it's fair"..... I'm sorry - but who are these people?! And do they tell you it's fair as they're kicking you? Or do they just yell it as they're running away?
Most fantastic covertly homoerotic Hip hop lyric#1:
LL Cool J on Mama Said Knock You Out: "I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand/ that I'm not your average man/ when I got a jammy in my hand DAAAAAMN!!!!! Oooooohh!!".......and later: "And when I pull out my jammy get ready 'cause it might go Blaaaaw, how ya like me now?" and "Don't u nevah, evah, pull my lever/ Cuz I explode!/ And my nine is easy to load!/ I gotta thank God/ Cuz he gave me the strength to rock HARD!!" I don't know, LL, your body might be too bootylicious for us, babe.
By the way, boycott WestJet. WestJet bitches stole my hat.
Well, loyal and exhausted yet newly enlightened, Reader......You know, and I know, and Xtina and Mos know, that I could go all night. But some of those pearls of wisdom/pockets of nonsense will have to await another day. Remind me to tell you about the penis in the pint glass. When you're ready: first learn stand, then learn fly, Daniel-san.
Wax on, wax off,
The Tourist
P.S. Please to comment by clicking "comment" at the end of this post. It's sweet that you're all shy (or technologically challenged) and send me private emails instead, and I appreciate it, but you're also so damned funny.....I want the world to know. Come on, Snuffleupagus - I just want my other friends to see you, too.
