the craptical tourist

From TORONTO
January 21st, 2008

Dear friends who have an afternoon to kill,

Excitingly, I got my first bit of groupie fan mail the other day, in the form of a comment on my Christmas Blague post asking me if I'm a homo. (See archives at right.) Well, ANONYMOUS, you may not think what you posed was a trick question, but for such a complex and endlessly fascinating person as myself....well there really are so many variables at play.... For instance, who the hell are you???!!!! If you're, say, Christina Aguilera, why then, the answer is, "Yes, of course I'm a lesbian! Nothing but vagina on my menu." If, on the other hand, you are....Condoleeza Rice, then "NO! Eff Off! And stop calling me, Bitch!" So, no, I don't go around squeezing random boobies. I am, however, in touch with my inner lesbian. Now and then I take her out for tea. And by tea, I mean....random boobies.

SURE!

UHHH.....NOT SO MUCH.

In other thrilling Tourist News, Confused-yet-oddly-turned-on-by-Condi-in-the-bath Reader, I have found Lisa Norton 14.6! Or rather she has found me! Some of you will remember that back in an earlier post ("She is Risen", April 2007 http://skepticaltourist.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html) I wrote of my adventures reading about the other Lisa Nortons of the world, in particular one funny talented young blaguist who shared my name but seemed to have dropped off the face of the worldwide web. Well, both lo and behold, through the magic of F*@#Book (and people who have nothing better to do), the now 19 year-old Lisa has been informed of my existence and gotten in touch. Read her comments on She Is Risen and Touristmas Time (December). I actually teared up a little....and maybe not just because I was on my period and crying at the drop of a tampon. I also credit Lisa Norton the younger with exposing me to a new exciting demographic of hot young lesbiotic groupies. I'm sure that explains it...not that such glorious mysteries need be explained.

AND NOW....the LONG AWAITED....EAGERLY ANTICIPATED (by me)....first EVER

RANDOM CRAP ISSUE of the one and only BEST BLOG IN THE WORLD EVER.....the SKEPTICAL TOURIST!!!!

That's right.....a sampling of the weird shit that rattles around in my head each and every day but usually doesn't fit in anywhere. (Like me.) Time to clear out the recycling bin that is my big bad brain and make room for new, fresh 2008 garbage. Come on everybody, here we GO-O-O-O-O-oh!

This is how you say "Up yours" in Hindi: उप यौर्स. Standard feature on Blogspot. Totally frickin' अवेसोमे!!!

I think when you board one of those streetcars that's painted pink and covered with ads for Dirty Dancing (The Classic Story Now on Stage), you know, the ones that make all the macho TTC drivers feel like nancies, you should be greeted by dancing, singing members of the original cast. Bumping and grinding and slithering around the streetcar poles.

If you're not in the mood you can wait for the Amarula Cream car, on which they serve you shots and speak Swahili. Cheetahs prowl up and down and eat you if you don't pay the proper fare or talk too loudly on your cell phone. Incidentally....where do those dickheads get off calling Amarula Cream "The Spirit of Africa" anyway? Yeah, a fruity cream liqueur: that seems to embody the essence of a CONTINENT. Okay, now I'm pissed off. Mostly because no one is giving me free booze on the streetcar.

The Safeway in Regina has a sign at the deli counter proclaiming, "We will shave anything." Do you think they would have shaved my legs? I always wanted to plunk one hairy gam up on the counter, just to see.

If you look up "arts" in the yellow pages, you will find it between "artificial eyes" and "asbestos". I don't know what that means but I thought you should know.

When I was small I was a little obsessed with the yellow pages. It was, after all, the Internet of the eighties. I thought it especially bizarre and somewhat thrilling that anyone could just look up prostitutes and call them. Clowns....Dentists.....Escorts.....all in the same book! A book I was allowed to look at! In broad daylight! Ahh....the wonders of childhood.

Today, passing by College and Grace, I noticed a new restaurant called - wait for it - "I Feel Like Crepe". Oh, College West, how much lower can you sink? A little further west is the future site of the Little Italy Cube Lofts, starting at 400 grand for a loft sized 5x5. Inches, not feet. So you can conveniently hold your apartment in the palm of your hand.

Brilliant idea #468,972: The adults only Easter egg hunt. Have an Easter party with your friends (or maybe just the ones you hope to see naked) and stage a hunt, hiding drugs, porn and mini bottles of booze. Oh yeah, and chocolate (chicks dig it). Let the search (and the please-don't-tell-anyone-at-the-office-on-Monday party) begin! If anyone actually uncovers secret perverted things that you've stashed around your place and forgotten were there, you can play it cool and pretend they were part of the hunt. "You found it! Good for you! Yeah, I know, DISGUSTING, eh?!"

Speaking of disgusting (and I often am).....have you noticed that the tone of your dirty email spam is getting weirder and weirder? No, I am not responsible. But seriously - what's with all the kinky farm sluts? The horny grannies? I suppose at some point the spammers realized that folks could get ordinary porn anytime anywhere...so now they're really working hard to attract your attention. "Hey, I never thought I wanted to see circus performers get it on with one-legged goats...but now that you mention it....and hey, the link is right there in front of me....."

And here is the opposition leader drinking a milkshake.




Do you suppose anyone ever broke up with Beyonce on account of her body being too Bootylicious for him? "Sorry......It's not you.....I just don't think I'm ready for this jelly." I ask this because it's a problem I face time and time again.

Most anticipated film of the year:

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Wait! Maybe you didn't hear me. I said: Harold and Kumar ESCAPE from GUANTANAMO BAY!!! To further illustrate my point:

Very exciting! Or maybe that's just me....after all, I'm one of those people who would rather kiss Harold and Kumar than Brad Pitt.

Also looking forward to the new 3DU2 concert film...though I can't help wishing they'd brought back Smell-O-Vision for that one. What does Bono's sweat smell like? I'm fairly jumping up and down over Be Kind Rewind, an upcoming Michel Gondry flick starring Jack Black and my boyfriend Mos Def. From the Internet movie database: A man (Black) whose brain becomes magnetized unintentionally destroys every tape in his friend's video store. In order to satisfy the store's most loyal renter, an aging woman with signs of dementia, the two men set out to remake the lost films, which include Back to the Future, The Lion King, and Robocop. Not to mention Ghostbusters. Below is the super awesome trailer.......

Helpful Hint # 18.5: If one leaves a muffin, uncovered, in the same fridge as some smoked fish that is just past its due date, one may create.......a carrot-apple-smoked-trout muffin. This is not a good thing.

The odd image you see above is the "Live with Theatre" version of the city of Toronto's Live With Culture campaign. Clearly I've been going to the wrong plays. I want the ones with the men wrestling in their underwear. In fact, I want to be in those plays. I'll play the underwear.

Life brand has a product called "invisible ladies' antiperspirant". Is that what all the invisible ladies use? I guess if you were running around being invisible, but then started sweating a lot, it could blow your cover. And that would suck.

This afternoon as I sat here by the window tapping away at my computer, I looked out onto one of the facing yards and saw these little kids jumping out of their attic window onto their roof. Repeatedly. In their bare feet. They seemed to be playing some game where one kid would throw something out onto the roof and another kid would climb out the window, get the thing, and then scramble back up. Did I mention it was minus 17 with the windchill?

When I saw the littlest one (maybe four or five years old) struggling to get back in, hanging off the window frame like Indiana Jones, I thought okay, I've gotta do something here. So I waited until she was safely inside, and then opened my window and yelled at the next child (a little boy who wasn't even wearing socks), something like "You guys are gonna freeze out there!" I don't think I actually shook my fist and shouted, "You darn kids!" - but boy, did I ever feel old all of a sudden. Especially when the boy darted inside in a panic, slammed the window, and he and his sisters commenced to peer at me above the window sill. There goes Old Lady Norton, yelling at the children again. Hey, at least I didn't just go over and tell on them. Maybe I can hold it over their heads and get them to clean my apartment for me in exchange for my keeping their secret. I could use some little hands to help carry my groceries. Braid my hair. Teach me double dutch skipping again. Show me the way to the second star on the right and straight on 'til morning. Are you there God? I don't want to be 32. I wanna live again, Clarence, I wanna live again.

Brilliant idea #3,592,016: The Forty Year Old Sturgeon, an animated feature about underwater creatures and featuring a character named Areefa Plankton, whose big musical number is an R&B tune called Chain of Food. No need for thanks, Disney. Say it with cash.

When I was a kid, I thought that President's Choice Products were all of Ronald Reagan's favourite foods.

Great lyrics that make no sense #372:

From Michael Jackson's Beat It: "They'll kick you and they'll beat you and they'll tell you it's fair"..... I'm sorry - but who are these people?! And do they tell you it's fair as they're kicking you? Or do they just yell it as they're running away?

Most fantastic covertly homoerotic Hip hop lyric#1:

LL Cool J on Mama Said Knock You Out: "I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand/ that I'm not your average man/ when I got a jammy in my hand DAAAAAMN!!!!! Oooooohh!!".......and later: "And when I pull out my jammy get ready 'cause it might go Blaaaaw, how ya like me now?" and "Don't u nevah, evah, pull my lever/ Cuz I explode!/ And my nine is easy to load!/ I gotta thank God/ Cuz he gave me the strength to rock HARD!!" I don't know, LL, your body might be too bootylicious for us, babe.

By the way, boycott WestJet. WestJet bitches stole my hat.

Well, loyal and exhausted yet newly enlightened, Reader......You know, and I know, and Xtina and Mos know, that I could go all night. But some of those pearls of wisdom/pockets of nonsense will have to await another day. Remind me to tell you about the penis in the pint glass. When you're ready: first learn stand, then learn fly, Daniel-san.

Wax on, wax off,

The Tourist

P.S. Please to comment by clicking "comment" at the end of this post. It's sweet that you're all shy (or technologically challenged) and send me private emails instead, and I appreciate it, but you're also so damned funny.....I want the world to know. Come on, Snuffleupagus - I just want my other friends to see you, too.