Welcome to Blyth! (Big Actor Edition)

BLYTH, ONTARIO
June 13th, 2005

Welcome to Blyth! As a member of the Blyth Festival's 2005 Acting Company, you are a welcome and cherished member of our fine community. Being a BIG ACTOR from TORONTO, however, there are a few things you may need to know in order to successfully fit in.

#1: PEOPLE ARE NICE.
As a new arrival in town, you can expect to be called on by a member of the Blyth Welcoming Commitee. The head of said comittee is a dedicated teenaged member of our community named Cole, who will visit you personally if possible. There are a lot of people to see, however, so he may not arrive until about one-thirty a.m. Never fear; you will not miss this visit, as he will be sure to pound on your door very loudly. Cole will be holding the ceremonial Plastic Beer Cup of Welcome, and, in a traditional gesture of goodwill, he will invite you to partake with him. As he will be sure to inform you, "You'd be CRAZY not to." After all, he and the rest of the committee have gone to all the trouble of planning a lively all-night party right next door (with a rousing game of horseshoes until five o'clock in the morning). Don't be alarmed, incidentally, by the fact that Cole is wearing dark aviator glasses in the middle of the night - he is extremely sensitive to light and needs to be sure to get a good look at you, as well as look very, very cool.

#2: ANIMALS ARE FRIENDLY
As a BIG ACTOR from TORONTO, you mayn't be used to the proliferation and variety of livestock in the Huron County area. Riding your car (or "bike", as the case may be) through the town and outlying countryside, you are bound to be chased by various animals. Again, DO NOT BE ALARMED. In the case of dogs running after you, they are just being friendly. (That is, with the possible exception of the Black Lab that recently attacked Adrian Churchill's dog, but never fear: Coloured animals are not allowed within the county and rest assured that this rogue "Black Lab" will be dealt with promptly.) Ceecee the monkey, in the barn just over the hill, will not chase you, but you can give her a banana, and darnit if she ain't the cutest little thing.

Cows, as you may know, will give chase, especially if you look at them funny. They will run in your direction, but are soon bound to encounter the edge of their farm's property, at which point they will collectively cry "Ohmigod a fence look out for the fence!" and skid to a stop.

Horses, on the other hand, will never give chase. They won't even look at you. Or, rather, they will glance and then quickly look away. They do not want to to know they noticed you; please have the good grace not to point it out. You may, as you pass, hear the horses muttering such things as "Fucking two-legger. Who does (s)he think (s)he is? Riding around on WHEELS. Psh." LET THIS SLIDE. Remember, you are the outsider here in God's country.

And speaking of God's Country.....

#3: JESUS IS LORD
You will notice many brightly coloured signs in Huron County reminding you of such things as the fact that "Ye Must Be Born Again" and "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart". Please take a moment to read and appreciate these signs. They - especially the latter - are a service provided expressly for you, BIG ACTOR from TORONTO. They are obviously not intended for the good people of Blyth, who regularly attend the local Reform Church and are faithfully practising Christians. You may question the Christian purity of the local people when you see them, for instance, at the beach, swimming nude and yelling to their little ones on shore, "Get in the water! It's fuckin' beautiful!" or allowing their seven year-old sons to play with working lighters.....but these are good people. Just witness all those pairs of teenagers going off into the woods to be one with nature and commune with God. And while some of our folk may use "spicy" language by Toronto standards, know this: They will never, ever take Our Lord's name in vain. Please do not be the well meaning visitor who offends our good people with such comments as "Jesus CHRIST this pie is good!" or "Fuck ALMIGHTY, didja see that sunset?" We will not be amused.

Again, welcome to Blyth. We hope this little pamphlet has been of some help.

Have a great fucking summer. Praise the Lord.