BLYTH, ONTARIO
July 28th, 2005
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
"Show you my what?"
Eliza and Jacob were sitting in an empty horse stall in the barn, hiding out from the heat and from little brothers, as they had often done this summer. It was a long break between school years, especially for Eliza, who wasn't yet quite used to life in the country, and she had gotten to treating the farm next door as if it were her own.
"You know, your thingy," she said, gesturing toward the crotch of Jacob's wornout overalls.
"Why would I want to do that?"
Eliza shrugged. "I dunno. Sump'n to do?"
"Psh," Jacob said. "You're weird. Besides, what would you want to see that dirty old thing for? I sure don't wanna see your peehole."
"But it's not just for peeing, Jacob, I told you."
"Oh, come on, Eliza! Are you on about that Sets thing again?" He got up to leave the barn, brushing hay off of his legs and behind. "I told you, I don't believe you."
Eliza caught up to him, grabbing him by the arm. "But I didn't just make it up, Jake......I heard all about it when I lived in the city. I even saw this book once. I wasn't supposed to, but I looked all through it, it explained the whole thing, it even had these pictures. I think it was called The Love of Sets or something like that."
"I dunno, Eliza," whined Jacob, "You can't believe everything you read. I mean, how do you know it wasn't one of those, you know, joke books? Like my grammaw has this book about gnomes and it has, like, all about their personalities and what they eat and stuff, and I asked her and she said it's not for real. It's just a joke."
"SETS IS NOT LIKE GNOMES!" shouted Eliza, turning even redder in the face than her usual sunburn. "AND I'M SICK OF NOBODY BELIEVING ME!"
Eliza realized too late that this last bit had been overheard by Jacob's cousin Munroe, who was just now entering the barn. She usually took care to say precisely nothing within the older boy's earshot, especially nothing that ran the risk of being mocked. Munroe had made every effort to make Eliza feel as unwelcome as possible ever since her family had moved to Blyth, and never missed an opportunity to make fun of "city girl".
"What's her problem?" This, of course, aimed at his cousin; Munroe never looked Eliza in the eye.
"Sets," muttered Jacob, dropping back down on the hay and playing with his sneaker. Eliza glared at her friend, but he just picked away at the rubber of his shoe.
Munroe had burst out laughing. "Is she on about that again?! Don't you know she's just messing with you, Jakie? Sets is one of those rumours city folk tell us so we'll go repeating it and look stupid. Don't listen to a word she tells you."
"Oh yeah, mister smart guy?" fumed Eliza, who had turned an even deeper shade of red since Munroe had interrupted them, "If you're so smart, then where do babies come from? I suppose you have the STORK in Blyth?"
Munroe laughed again, a hard little bullet of a laugh. He nudged his cousin's head with a booted toe. "Tell your girlfriend that she's dumber than I thought."
"Okay, well where do babies come from, Mister Munroe? Huh? Huh? You're so smart?"
"From the baby farm, you moron."
Eliza was incredulous. She looked down to Jacob where he sat on the ground and had now succeeded in tearing a hole in the side of his shoe. He said nothing.
"The BABY FARM, Munroe? Your mother is the baby farm! Didn't you notice how big she got just before your sister was born?"
Munroe turned to face Eliza for the first time since his initial harsh appraisal seven months before. The colour of his angry face now rivalled the redheaded girl's, late-August sunburn and all. "Don't you call my mother fat, you bitch," he spat out from between two tight, angry slashes of lip. And then he turned and was gone, kicking a lounging kitten out of his path as he went.
Eliza sank down on the hay beside her friend, shaken by the encounter with Munroe. "Jake," she said, "Why didn't you back me up?"
"I dunno, Lize......What was I s'posed to say? I mean, I don't believe in Sets either," he murmured. ".....And you really shouldn'a called his mom fat. She's just big boned my mom says."
"But I didn't......." She trailed off, sighing. "Why won't anybody believe me?"
"I'm sorry, Lize, it just seems so......weird. I mean, a guy putting his -" He started to giggle even attempting to think about it.
In spite of herself, Eliza started to laugh a little, too. "I know, I know, it's really gross. But it is for real." And here a thought struck her. "And I can prove it to you. I can prove to you that it's possible."
"How?" ventured Jacob, looking up from his tattered shoe, curious.
"Like I said, you show me yours...."
Jacob thought for as long as it took. "Okay," he said finally. "But don't touch nothin'."
__________________________________________________
Hey folks. It's been a long dry summer. Hope all is well where you are.
Kill me now.
Leese
The Joy Of: a nortinblyth story
Welcome to Blyth! (Big Actor Edition)
BLYTH, ONTARIO
June 13th, 2005
Welcome to Blyth! As a member of the Blyth Festival's 2005 Acting Company, you are a welcome and cherished member of our fine community. Being a BIG ACTOR from TORONTO, however, there are a few things you may need to know in order to successfully fit in.
#1: PEOPLE ARE NICE.
As a new arrival in town, you can expect to be called on by a member of the Blyth Welcoming Commitee. The head of said comittee is a dedicated teenaged member of our community named Cole, who will visit you personally if possible. There are a lot of people to see, however, so he may not arrive until about one-thirty a.m. Never fear; you will not miss this visit, as he will be sure to pound on your door very loudly. Cole will be holding the ceremonial Plastic Beer Cup of Welcome, and, in a traditional gesture of goodwill, he will invite you to partake with him. As he will be sure to inform you, "You'd be CRAZY not to." After all, he and the rest of the committee have gone to all the trouble of planning a lively all-night party right next door (with a rousing game of horseshoes until five o'clock in the morning). Don't be alarmed, incidentally, by the fact that Cole is wearing dark aviator glasses in the middle of the night - he is extremely sensitive to light and needs to be sure to get a good look at you, as well as look very, very cool.
#2: ANIMALS ARE FRIENDLY
As a BIG ACTOR from TORONTO, you mayn't be used to the proliferation and variety of livestock in the Huron County area. Riding your car (or "bike", as the case may be) through the town and outlying countryside, you are bound to be chased by various animals. Again, DO NOT BE ALARMED. In the case of dogs running after you, they are just being friendly. (That is, with the possible exception of the Black Lab that recently attacked Adrian Churchill's dog, but never fear: Coloured animals are not allowed within the county and rest assured that this rogue "Black Lab" will be dealt with promptly.) Ceecee the monkey, in the barn just over the hill, will not chase you, but you can give her a banana, and darnit if she ain't the cutest little thing.
Cows, as you may know, will give chase, especially if you look at them funny. They will run in your direction, but are soon bound to encounter the edge of their farm's property, at which point they will collectively cry "Ohmigod a fence look out for the fence!" and skid to a stop.
Horses, on the other hand, will never give chase. They won't even look at you. Or, rather, they will glance and then quickly look away. They do not want to to know they noticed you; please have the good grace not to point it out. You may, as you pass, hear the horses muttering such things as "Fucking two-legger. Who does (s)he think (s)he is? Riding around on WHEELS. Psh." LET THIS SLIDE. Remember, you are the outsider here in God's country.
And speaking of God's Country.....
#3: JESUS IS LORD
You will notice many brightly coloured signs in Huron County reminding you of such things as the fact that "Ye Must Be Born Again" and "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart". Please take a moment to read and appreciate these signs. They - especially the latter - are a service provided expressly for you, BIG ACTOR from TORONTO. They are obviously not intended for the good people of Blyth, who regularly attend the local Reform Church and are faithfully practising Christians. You may question the Christian purity of the local people when you see them, for instance, at the beach, swimming nude and yelling to their little ones on shore, "Get in the water! It's fuckin' beautiful!" or allowing their seven year-old sons to play with working lighters.....but these are good people. Just witness all those pairs of teenagers going off into the woods to be one with nature and commune with God. And while some of our folk may use "spicy" language by Toronto standards, know this: They will never, ever take Our Lord's name in vain. Please do not be the well meaning visitor who offends our good people with such comments as "Jesus CHRIST this pie is good!" or "Fuck ALMIGHTY, didja see that sunset?" We will not be amused.
Again, welcome to Blyth. We hope this little pamphlet has been of some help.
Have a great fucking summer. Praise the Lord.
