From TORONTO,
December 31st 2015
As the year twenty-fifteen draws to a close, look on in awe, Dear Reader, as I gaze into my crystal ball and make my predictions for the year to come. Dare you read on? Do you really want to know WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE?? Oh, sorry. That's for another post, not due until next March or April. Shit. I'll stop now.
SPOILER ALERT:
In 2016 I will not totally totally forget that I took Montreal bagels home to Toronto in my carry-on and then find them a week later, all like, "Oh look. A bag of mould." 2016 had better be better than this shit, let me tell you.
Critics will rave about The Ammonia Solution, a four-and-a-half hour biopic about Harry R. Drackett, inventor of Windex and other less commercially successful chemical cleaning products. While not eligible for the 2016 Oscars, it will sweep the awards the following year, notably earning Billy Bob Thornton his first Academy Award for acting since 1997's Sling Blade as well as a win for director Tyler Perry, who will call it "The story I was born to tell".
In 2016, I will spend just as much time on Wikipedia reading about things like bee life cycles and the history of Windex. All for you, dear reader, all for you.
Water, 2-Hexoxyethanol, Isopropanolamine, Sodium Dodecylbenzene Sulfonate, Lauramine Oxide, Ammonium Hydroxide, Fragrance, and Liquitint® Sky Blue Dye, to answer your question.
December 31st 2015
As the year twenty-fifteen draws to a close, look on in awe, Dear Reader, as I gaze into my crystal ball and make my predictions for the year to come. Dare you read on? Do you really want to know WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO DIE?? Oh, sorry. That's for another post, not due until next March or April. Shit. I'll stop now.
SPOILER ALERT:
 |
| I WARNED YOU. |
In 2016...
Some weird things will happen. Also a lot of perfectly normal things. Some may say too many. Some politicians will do some things that will drive us out of our minds. Rants will be ranted, petitions will be signed, six months later we'll try to remember what that was all about. I'll do some stuff. Make some funny voices for money. Hopefully put on some funny clothes (and if I'm lucky a wig or a moustache) and get to make up a fake person for a month or so. My dad and I will have another fight about snow tires and then we will say sorry. I'll get a bad cold and complain a lot and eventually it will go away.
How are you doing so far? Is this blowing your mind?
In 2016, I will eat better. And then worse. And then better again for about a week. And then I'll be like, "What is with all this broccoli? Stupid." And eat nothing but sponge toffee for three weeks. And then my teeth will start to hurt, so I'll switch to all ice cream for a while, to eliminate chewing. And then I'll eat better again. Then worse. Private message me for more details on the Lisa Norton Meal Plan. It's pretty complicated but it works.
In 2016, no one will drive. Everyone will have flying cars and fly all over the place.
According to my auto-correct, everyone will also have flying cats. Pushing it a bit on the within-a-year technology if you ask me, but hey, this thing knows what it's talking about. I don't doubt it overheard some things at the Apple Store.
The Stephen Harper sex tapes will finally be released to much scandal and media attention and precisely zero views.
Global warming will suddenly stop. Could be linked to Stephen Harper sex tapes, above.
In 2016, I will drink more in the daytime. It's three pm and I'm sipping on my second Jameson right now, and I gotta say it's working for me. I'm so Hemingway. Bring on the bulls. (Phew. The clock was ticking on 2015 and I was worried I wouldn't come up with a resolution in time. Job well done, brain!)
In 2016 I will try to be less like this weird bee:
Because who wants to be a weird bee anyway? I'll be a completely human neurotic insomniac this year for once. I mean, I've been holding this in, but I am SO SICK of collecting pollen all day all the time and not even getting any recognition. Pollen pollen pollen! Gawd. Not even a Tim Horton's gift card at Christmas, and I was lead pollinator in my sector three months running. Spent my own money on a new pollen basket and didn't even get fully reimbursed even though I submitted the receipt and filled out the stupid form before the deadline. And Donna keeps on not properly cleaning her cells and I cover her ass, God knows why, even though it slows me down and then the Queen gives me shit, and pulls all that "I'm disappointed in you" stuff, surprise surprise. Meantime the guys are just hanging around being fertile while we do everything. Down with the monarchy! Bring on the bulls.
In 2016, new media will continue to expand and present new opportunities, and their attendant dilemmas, to artists. Who knew when I graduated from theatre school nineteen years ago that providing the movements and voices for video game characters would be a thing? Similarly, who could have predicted then that in February 2016 I would sign my first contract to provide such services for a line of lifelike, human-sized personal robots? Things are gonna get weird real quick. I'mma order one with my own voice and have some super freaky kinky times, oh yeahhhh.
Why does my computer keep trying to make that into a mere "Oh yeah" with one h? Maybe this thing DOESN'T know what it's doing.
Some weird things will happen. Also a lot of perfectly normal things. Some may say too many. Some politicians will do some things that will drive us out of our minds. Rants will be ranted, petitions will be signed, six months later we'll try to remember what that was all about. I'll do some stuff. Make some funny voices for money. Hopefully put on some funny clothes (and if I'm lucky a wig or a moustache) and get to make up a fake person for a month or so. My dad and I will have another fight about snow tires and then we will say sorry. I'll get a bad cold and complain a lot and eventually it will go away.
How are you doing so far? Is this blowing your mind?
In 2016, I will eat better. And then worse. And then better again for about a week. And then I'll be like, "What is with all this broccoli? Stupid." And eat nothing but sponge toffee for three weeks. And then my teeth will start to hurt, so I'll switch to all ice cream for a while, to eliminate chewing. And then I'll eat better again. Then worse. Private message me for more details on the Lisa Norton Meal Plan. It's pretty complicated but it works.
In 2016, no one will drive. Everyone will have flying cars and fly all over the place.
According to my auto-correct, everyone will also have flying cats. Pushing it a bit on the within-a-year technology if you ask me, but hey, this thing knows what it's talking about. I don't doubt it overheard some things at the Apple Store.
The Stephen Harper sex tapes will finally be released to much scandal and media attention and precisely zero views.
Global warming will suddenly stop. Could be linked to Stephen Harper sex tapes, above.
In 2016, I will drink more in the daytime. It's three pm and I'm sipping on my second Jameson right now, and I gotta say it's working for me. I'm so Hemingway. Bring on the bulls. (Phew. The clock was ticking on 2015 and I was worried I wouldn't come up with a resolution in time. Job well done, brain!)
In 2016 I will try to be less like this weird bee:
 |
| OR MAYBE 18 |
Because who wants to be a weird bee anyway? I'll be a completely human neurotic insomniac this year for once. I mean, I've been holding this in, but I am SO SICK of collecting pollen all day all the time and not even getting any recognition. Pollen pollen pollen! Gawd. Not even a Tim Horton's gift card at Christmas, and I was lead pollinator in my sector three months running. Spent my own money on a new pollen basket and didn't even get fully reimbursed even though I submitted the receipt and filled out the stupid form before the deadline. And Donna keeps on not properly cleaning her cells and I cover her ass, God knows why, even though it slows me down and then the Queen gives me shit, and pulls all that "I'm disappointed in you" stuff, surprise surprise. Meantime the guys are just hanging around being fertile while we do everything. Down with the monarchy! Bring on the bulls.
In 2016, new media will continue to expand and present new opportunities, and their attendant dilemmas, to artists. Who knew when I graduated from theatre school nineteen years ago that providing the movements and voices for video game characters would be a thing? Similarly, who could have predicted then that in February 2016 I would sign my first contract to provide such services for a line of lifelike, human-sized personal robots? Things are gonna get weird real quick. I'mma order one with my own voice and have some super freaky kinky times, oh yeahhhh.
Why does my computer keep trying to make that into a mere "Oh yeah" with one h? Maybe this thing DOESN'T know what it's doing.
My life of romance and adventure will continue through 2016. Many more long walks on the beach and through the forest, many more spontaneous road trips full of laughter and mayhem....many more jazz-soundtracked candlelit dinners....with my dog.
I will only spend three sleepless nights in 2016 worrying about the above paragraph and whether it makes me look like a pathetic loser, and how many ex-boyfriends have read it. (Tonight, tomorrow and, oddly, June 18th.)
Speaking of the dog, this year I will admit to the situation at hand once and for all and start eating kibble in order to better afford a foie gras and caviar diet for Walter. I mean, it's already gotten to the point where if I run out of fancy canned food and try to give him straight kibble he looks at me like, "Woman, don't waste my time." And then I spend the whole rest of the day apologizing and giving dog shoulder rubs. And that's after I do Donna's cleaning for her. GAWD!I will only spend three sleepless nights in 2016 worrying about the above paragraph and whether it makes me look like a pathetic loser, and how many ex-boyfriends have read it. (Tonight, tomorrow and, oddly, June 18th.)
In 2016 I will not totally totally forget that I took Montreal bagels home to Toronto in my carry-on and then find them a week later, all like, "Oh look. A bag of mould." 2016 had better be better than this shit, let me tell you.
Critics will rave about The Ammonia Solution, a four-and-a-half hour biopic about Harry R. Drackett, inventor of Windex and other less commercially successful chemical cleaning products. While not eligible for the 2016 Oscars, it will sweep the awards the following year, notably earning Billy Bob Thornton his first Academy Award for acting since 1997's Sling Blade as well as a win for director Tyler Perry, who will call it "The story I was born to tell".
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| DRACKETT: THE HERO AMERICA NEEDS |
In 2016, I will spend just as much time on Wikipedia reading about things like bee life cycles and the history of Windex. All for you, dear reader, all for you.
Water, 2-Hexoxyethanol, Isopropanolamine, Sodium Dodecylbenzene Sulfonate, Lauramine Oxide, Ammonium Hydroxide, Fragrance, and Liquitint® Sky Blue Dye, to answer your question.
For now, there are six and a half hours left in 2015 and I've got more pre-drinking to do and some sponge toffee to eat. Also I'm pretty sure I've covered all the year's most crucial events.
In 2016, my friends,
And if the elevator tries to break you down....go crazy.
And now this. If you can make it through the whole four minutes and four seconds, good things will befall you in the year to come. Don't take any chances now.
For auld lang syne, and what the heck, that new syne too,
The Tourist
