go west, young tourist

From TORONTO,

December 29th, 2010

everywhere bus

It’s ridiculous that I haven’t written. I’m aware of this.

I’ve been to Iowa. I’ve been to West Virginia. I’ve been to Florida, Illinois, Indiana, and to Texas. North Carolina, too. I’ve been to Belleville. I survived two weeks in London, Ontario, a bout of food poisoning on a two-show day (still puking at seven a.m.; call time at twenty-past – don’t order the pesto shrimp from Boston Pizza…as if you ever would), eight-hour drives in a five-person-jammed pickup truck; lugging a set that weighed at least NINE THOUSAND POUNDS in and out of stage doors and schools, up steps and over snakepits; lived through spats with my tourmates about trivia games, luggage and generally being up at six in the morning…

Nobody loved me. Everybody hated me. I went out back and ate some worms.

My back still hurts. My wrist is sore. And my liver is more than three parts booze. I drank enough one karaoke night in Alexandria, Louisiana that I, turning green and leaving early but disappointed to be going before my Bon Jovi tune had come up, had to be told that I had, in fact, already sung it. That’s where I left my jacket. I left my shoes in a hotel closet in Chicago, my Oil of Olay under a bed somewhere, and my heart in New Orleans. I left one adorable soul singer in Austin, Texas, standing in a bar with his heart on his sleeve, dreaming dreams of exotic Toronto, where all the girls have long black hair and ruby lips. And one sad, small second cousin twice-removed behind in Dallas, wondering why in God I’m not her mother and why she can’t leave Adrian and Jo in Texas once and for all and escape a fate of eating deep-fried butter and voting Bristol Palin 2024.

I left a sock in every town – “REMEMBER MEEEEEE, NORTH LIBERTYYYYY!!! I won’t remember yooooooouuuuu!”, most of the roaches (I hope) back in that dressing room in Texarkana, and indelible impressions on the minds of thousands of awestruck children and their teachers who had the pleasure of not only seeing me perform but hearing my sage words of long-winded wisdom in talk-backs afterwards. Will they ever again wonder How We Learn ALL THOSE LINES? I think not, dear readers, I think not.

I believe this picture just might say it all, tour-wise:

tour 117

(This is Hallowe’en in Weston, West Virginia, incidentally. I am CLEARLY Amy Winehouse, but the locals, not knowing who that was, deducted I was “someone with a dildo for a head”. Close enough.)

Speaking of dildos…Rob Ford is the new motherfucking goddamn mayor of Toronto. (See the previous two blague posts for a sampling of my feelings about that.) I survive. Winter’s here…and still, I manage to go on. Christmas came and went and didn’t bother me a bit. I bought a tree and lugged it down the street. I baked ten billion cookies.

And yet I didn’t write.

It was all too much, My Puzzled Reader. As large and capable as my brain may be, it managed to get overfull, and not sure what to tell you, I told you nothing. I apologize.

But enough of the past two months. Instead let me tell you about…the Christina Aguilera movie.

Yes, Burlesque! Also starring Cher! And Stanley Tucci! What the fuck?!

I’ve been excited about this film ever since I was at the movies with Sarah Allen and we saw the poster of Christina and Cher’s big tall slutty faces and I peed myself. I didn’t know what it was and didn’t care. Christina was in it! It was called BURLESQUE! I tore off my now wet (first creamed, then pee-filled) jeans and ran a pantless bluestreak through the Scotiabank Theatre, screaming incoherent words of joy. Sarah managed to catch up with me and deal with management.

burlesque_poster1

JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE LIPS!!!

But it would be months - until tonight, in fact – before I would see it. Burlesque came out while we were on tour, and I did rope my other showgals, Emma and Krista, into seeing it with me. It was all we could handle intellectually at the time, and seemed a perfect way to celebrate our last week on the road. Plus we knew when we got home none of our friends there would want to see it.

Alas that was THE DAY OF THE SHRIMP PIZZA, and I stayed home (or, rather, hotel-bound) to lie in my own vomit – better than someone else’s, I suppose – while the intrepid ladies soldiered on without me.

I came home and fell into a deep deep sleep, the sleep of those just off a kids’ show tour, which means I didn’t even move for eighteen days (a rep from Actors’ Equity came by to hook me up to an I.V. – it’s in the union rules, go check it out) and by the time I emerged, Burlesque had closed.

However, this week it was playing at my neighbourhood rep cinema, The Revue. Of course it was, having just been nominated for a Best Musical/Comedy Golden Globe, and the Revue being a bastion of all things noble and artistic.

Now I had to go, and right away. I mean, what if ends up on the American Film Institute’s best movies of the decade list? I couldn’t even wait for the couple of friends/family members who may have actually gone with me. I was walking home from the gym and there it was!

And it was glorious…or maybe I was just flushed with endorphins from my workout.

I admit to being consistently distracted by Xtina’s new, enormous breasts. They actually looked normal enough, in a way, when she was all dolled up in push-up bustiers, but in the scenes where she was dressed casually, they were jarring. Especially when she’s supposed to be braless in PJs and has these sturdy rock-like things sticking straight out of her chest. At those moments her boobs had the look of an inappropriate accessory, like when you see someone wearing tons of eyeliner at the gym. And they didn’t even bounce when she jumped up and down. It was strange. I had to go straight home and watch some movies with properly bouncing breasts in them, just to make up for it.

But aside from that…it is “the greatest movie ever made”…says Sharin-Maizie Elliwand-Johannson of Arborg, Manitoba. Dolly32122 exclaims, “I was dancing all the way through the film in my seat paha”, while phatgurl509 calls it “so fun LOL” and male lead Cam Gigandet “off the hook for hotnesssss!!!!!!!!”

Christina’s acting is far less wooden than her immovable jugs. In fact – I’ll say it - I found her charming, though perhaps in a “Wow, she’s not half so horrible as I thought she would be” way. Her love interest had easily watchable pectorals and abs, heavily featured, Cher made you care just a little from time to time, and the dancing was sufficiently dancy.

And I was moved – yea, moved! - because that’s just the state of mind I’m in these days. I’m headed to Vancouver, you see, to try my luck in the little big city, and thus the story of a young starry-eyed girl headed to L.A. to strike it big was right up my proverbial alley. I’m going around with big new half-baked plans these days, involving being discovered in a soda shop, and I’m prone to saying things like “Wait’ll they get a load a’ me!” and “Look out world!” and “We’ll put the show on right here in the barn!”.

And it’s not just me. Today a friend – Jamie Wilson, whom I haven’t seen in years and who hasn’t heard my current schemes – happened to send me this clip on face&%*k, with the caption “This reminded me of you.”

See? That’s just the type of positive enthusiasm I’m putting out in the world right now, and Jamie must have sensed it from afar. Or maybe it was just Liza’s nose that he was thinking of. I’m hoping not her slightly wonky eye. Or her alcoholic mother shouting in the background. But hey, I’ll take it!

So yes, I’m off to be a huge voice star, start climbing mountains, achieve a black belt in Karate…and then the Coen Brothers will discover me. All this as I break into the elusive Vancouver Theatre Scene. OoooOOOOooooh.

OR…(in that Skeptical Spin you all so sickeningly crave) I come back in three months not triumphant but defeated; broken-backed and sobbing, “B.C. sucks! Nobody liked me! And I just missed                (insert your name here, Toronto resident) too much! I couldn’t bear it!”

For now, however, you will find me packing suitcases and singing this song:

(If, in a week or so, you should hear a story of a Vancouver-bound flight brought down for security reasons after a suspicious woman of ambiguous ethnicity wouldn’t stop belting a show tune at the top of her lungs, this will have been the one.)

I recently played this recording for a particularly handsome young man who happened to be sitting in my kitchen at the time, and was deeply disappointed that he didn’t seem to ‘get it’ like I did. I now realize that if a guy I was sharing pillow-space with did freak out over a Dionne Warwick recording of a show tune from a Natalie Wood movie, I might start to wonder. Or maybe I’d just take him to Burlesque and help him pick out panties. And then we’d do each other’s nails. To pass the time, you know, until the Coen Brothers happened by.

I’m stakin’ my claim. Remember my name…

The Tourist

Democracy in Action (Is this thing on?)

From THE MEGACITY,
December 5th, 2010

Readers....make your way through the thread below for a look at my scintillating correspondence with Councillor Karen Stintz (Rob Ford's new TTC chair). This makes me laugh. And then it makes me barf.



(The initial correspondence is my modified version of a letter found here: http://www.emailthem.ca/transitcity/ .)

Dear Toronto Councillors and MPPs:

As a citizen of Toronto and regular TTC user, I am upset and outraged that Rob Ford wants throw away all the hard work, time and money that has gone into Transit City,in favour of a "plan" to shove all public transit underground at great expense to, and unneccessary delay for, Toronto taxpayers.

Rob Ford claims that his having been elected is evidence that the people of Toronto have given him a mandate to do just this. However, many people voted for Ford based on his "stop the gravy train" rhetoric (or rather, incessant hammering). This action, in its throwing away of millions of dollars already spent and/or promised for Transit City, would go against the very principle of stopping wasteful spending that those voters so responded to.

Residents of Toronto desperately need accessible transit to get around our city. Facts prove that Light Rail vehicles - not subways - are the best technology to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Streetcars and LRVs have the lowest energy consumption per passenger mile of any mode of transportation. Replacing carbon-emitting buses with LRVs will also reduce emissions, leading to cleaner air to breathe and reduced healthcare costs.

Facts also show that subways cost far more and take much longer to build, thereby depriving Torontonians in priority neighbourhoods of faster access to better public transit and rapidly depleting our city budget. And a new line in time for the 2015 Pan Am games, starting from scratch NOW? How in God's name could any reasonable person think this possible?LRV expansion under the extensively researched Transit City plan will boost Toronto's economic productivity by easing congestion, which will prevent people and goods from being stuck in traffic. Building subways will mean this reduction in congestion will be severely limited in scope, compared with the Light Rail expansion planned under Transit City.

At the end of the day, cancelling Transit City is an attack on priority neighbourhoods, the environment and the public purse. I strongly urge you, as city councillors representing our best interests, to bring this matter up for a vote in city council on Dec 16th.I also urge MPPs who represent Toronto to be advocates for accessible public transit and keep the Transit City plan on track.

Mayor Ford declared that the war on cars is over, yet ironically the cancellation of Transit City will wage war on public transit users, particularly those who do not live near a subway or who cannot afford a car. Many taxpayers need the TTC; where's the respect for those taxpayers, Mister Ford?

If the new mayor tries to force this through without support of council, it is a slap in the face to Torontonians and an abuse of office. In that case, I urge councillors to walk out. Let's see how voters like Ford and his ever-present brother running things on their own, as the dictatorship they so desire.

Sincerely,
Lisa Norton
M6R2K5


Date: Sun, 5 Dec 2010 00:32:29 -0500
From: councillor_stintz@toronto.ca
To: n*******@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: RESPECT FOR TAXPAYERS? Don't let Rob Ford trash Transit City. (Transit City)

Thank you very much for taking the time to send me a note about your concerns.

As you may know, Transit City was not fully funded by the Province of Ontario or the Federal Government. The transit plan that has been funded is the Metrolinx Plan and that plan includes transit investment on Sheppard, Eglinton, the Scarborough RT and Finch. Stopping Transit City does not jeopardize the Metrolinx Plan.

During the last municipal campaign, the voters of Toronto, through their support for Mayor Ford, indicated a preference for below-surface transit. Over the next few months, the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will revisit the current Metrolinx Plan with a goal to increase the amount of below-surface transit.

We all have a shared goal of a regional transportation plan that meets the needs of the riders of today and in the future. I am confident that the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will work together to adjust the plan in a fiscally responsible manner that will receive the endorsement of the residents of Toronto.

Yours truly,

Karen Stintz


From: n*******@hotmail.com
To: councillor_stintz@toronto.ca
CC: councillor_perks@toronto.ca
Subject: RE: RESPECT FOR TAXPAYERS? Don't let Rob Ford trash Transit City.
Date: Sun, 5 Dec 2010 13:04:37 -0500

Councillor Stintz,

I'm afraid that your claim that by voting for Ford, Toronto gave him a mandate to do whatever he wants with transit, just doesn't wash. You and I both know that's not how the political process works, nor should it work that way. Toronto didn't just vote for Ford, they also elected a body of councillors, and expect them all to have a say (our say) in huge decisions like this. Furthermore, people who voted for Ford did so for a variety of reasons (chief among them being that many people believed, with his "gravy train" mantra, that he would be fiscally conservative and not go throwing their money away) and don't neccessarily support every facet of his platform or every idea that comes into his head. The man is a mayor after all, and not a king.

I, for one, live in pre-megacity Toronto, which overwhelming did NOT support Ford, and I count on my elected councillor to have a say. I believe he should have had a say before a call was made to the TTC telling them to stop work that was underway.

Now that it looks like Toronto's transit plan is inevitably changing one way or another, I do hope that you're right: I would love if Ford could find some way to get subways built quickly and safely and without huge extra expense to our city and billions lost in dishonoured contracts. But, to quote a popular phrase of late, that sounds like fairy dust to me. His logic and economics just don't add up, and I fear that we, the people of Toronto, will end up with NO viable replacement for Transit City, which was worked on so long and so hard by so many people only to be thrown away in one day...or at least end up with no replacement built for a decade or two in the future. What a waste.

Lisa Norton,
Ward 14


From: Councillor Stintz (councillor_stintz@toronto.ca)
Sent: December 5, 2010 1:05:51 PM
To: Lisa Norton (
n*******@hotmail.com)

Thank you very much for taking the time to send me a note about your concerns.

As you may know, Transit City was not fully funded by the Province of Ontario or the Federal Government. The transit plan that has been funded is the Metrolinx Plan and that plan includes transit investment on Sheppard, Eglinton, the Scarborough RT and Finch. Stopping Transit City does not jeopardize the Metrolinx Plan.

During the last municipal campaign, the voters of Toronto, through their support for Mayor Ford, indicated a preference for below-surface transit. Over the next few months, the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will revisit the current Metrolinx Plan with a goal to increase the amount of below-surface transit.

We all have a shared goal of a regional transportation plan that meets the needs of the riders of today and in the future. I am confident that the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will work together to adjust the plan in a fiscally responsible manner that will receive the endorsement of the residents of Toronto.

Yours truly,

Karen Stintz


From: Lisa Norton (n******@hotmail.com)
Sent: December 5, 2010 1:38:53 PM
To: councillor_stintz@toronto.ca

FYI: I was just sent the same stock answer that I recieved to my previous letter. My letter (this time) was in reply to what you've written below. Is anyone actually reading these things?

Lisa Norton


From: Councillor Stintz (councillor_stintz@toronto.ca)
Sent: December 5, 2010 1:39:51 PM
To: Lisa Norton (n*******@hotmail.com)

Thank you very much for taking the time to send me a note about your concerns.

As you may know, Transit City was not fully funded by the Province of Ontario or the Federal Government. The transit plan that has been funded is the Metrolinx Plan and that plan includes transit investment on Sheppard, Eglinton, the Scarborough RT and Finch. Stopping Transit City does not jeopardize the Metrolinx Plan.

During the last municipal campaign, the voters of Toronto, through their support for Mayor Ford, indicated a preference for below-surface transit. Over the next few months, the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will revisit the current Metrolinx Plan with a goal to increase the amount of below-surface transit.

We all have a shared goal of a regional transportation plan that meets the needs of the riders of today and in the future. I am confident that the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will work together to adjust the plan in a fiscally responsible manner that will receive the endorsement of the residents of Toronto.

Yours truly,

Karen Stintz


From: Lisa Norton (n*******@hotmail.com)
Sent: December 5, 2010 2:41:37 PM
To: councillor_stintz@toronto.ca

You are a smelly smelly poo head. (Testing, testing...Is this on?)


From: Councillor Stintz (councillor_stintz@toronto.ca)
Sent: December 5, 2010 2:45:40 PM
To: Lisa Norton (n******@hotmail.com)

Thank you very much for taking the time to send me a note about your concerns.

As you may know, Transit City was not fully funded by the Province of Ontario or the Federal Government. The transit plan that has been funded is the Metrolinx Plan and that plan includes transit investment on Sheppard, Eglinton, the Scarborough RT and Finch. Stopping Transit City does not jeopardize the Metrolinx Plan.

During the last municipal campaign, the voters of Toronto, through their support for Mayor Ford, indicated a preference for below-surface transit. Over the next few months, the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will revisit the current Metrolinx Plan with a goal to increase the amount of below-surface transit.

We all have a shared goal of a regional transportation plan that meets the needs of the riders of today and in the future. I am confident that the TTC, Metrolinx and the Province will work together to adjust the plan in a fiscally responsible manner that will receive the endorsement of the residents of Toronto.

Yours truly,

Karen Stintz