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"I don't think you should start a blog. I like receiving your letters. I don't have any reason not to like blogs. I've never visited a blog. Don't make me start now. 'Blog' looks and sounds like a gooey, sticky lump of dirty fluorescent green stuff that just sits there. That's just what I think."
- Sarah Allen, friend of The Tourist
"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." -W. Wonka
"I don't think you should start a blog. I like receiving your letters. I don't have any reason not to like blogs. I've never visited a blog. Don't make me start now. 'Blog' looks and sounds like a gooey, sticky lump of dirty fluorescent green stuff that just sits there. That's just what I think."
- Sarah Allen, friend of The Tourist
Search This Blague
About Me
- The Skeptical Tourist
- is also known as Lisa Norton, a Toronto-based actor and gal about many towns. She also happens to be gorgeous, clever, and wonderful....but has the annoying habit of talking about herself in the third person.
READ ME FIRST
Ooooh......look at me with my fancy BLAGUE! Now I can be clever and wonderful for MILLIONS. (Of people, not dollars - at least until I install that webcam and really get down to business....)
I update this site about once a month.....think of it as a monthly magazine as opposed to a regular public diary and try not too cry too hard about it, you disgusting voyeur, you.
In addition to recent rants and raves, this site is home to the complete Skeptical Tourist travelogue (dating back to Mexico 2004) which you will find by merely looking below in the archives. Enjoy! BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAHG!
I update this site about once a month.....think of it as a monthly magazine as opposed to a regular public diary and try not too cry too hard about it, you disgusting voyeur, you.
In addition to recent rants and raves, this site is home to the complete Skeptical Tourist travelogue (dating back to Mexico 2004) which you will find by merely looking below in the archives. Enjoy! BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAHG!
What should I be when I grow up?
blague labels
acting
(19)
advice to young actors
(3)
aging
(1)
alberta
(3)
america
(1)
b.c.
(6)
banff
(1)
berlin
(3)
beyonce
(2)
birthdays
(1)
blyth
(7)
bomb girls
(2)
breakups
(2)
calgary
(3)
canada
(3)
christmas
(4)
conservative party
(1)
creatures
(1)
death
(1)
easter
(1)
election
(4)
eye troubles
(2)
face*%#k
(1)
fiction
(3)
food poisoning
(1)
france
(3)
gananoque
(1)
germany
(3)
girl guides
(1)
giverny
(1)
grand bend
(1)
halifax
(2)
hamilton
(1)
illness
(1)
jack layton
(1)
jk rowling
(1)
karen stintz
(1)
lake louise
(1)
languages
(4)
liberal party
(1)
lisa nortons
(3)
london
(1)
manitoba
(2)
mazatlan
(5)
mexico
(5)
michael ignatieff
(1)
Michael Jackson
(1)
monkey video
(1)
montreal
(1)
music
(3)
ndp
(1)
new york
(2)
newfoundland
(2)
niagara-on-the-lake
(1)
nova scotia
(2)
olympics
(3)
paris
(3)
photos
(1)
politics
(6)
poverty
(3)
random crap
(10)
regina
(2)
resolutions
(2)
revcan
(1)
rob ford
(2)
san blas
(1)
saskatchewan
(2)
sex/romance
(2)
st. john's
(2)
stephen harper
(2)
stratford
(3)
tardigrades
(1)
taxes
(1)
tepic
(1)
terminator
(1)
theatre
(24)
toronto
(22)
travel
(27)
ttc
(4)
tv
(2)
valentine's day
(1)
vancouver
(6)
vernon
(1)
winnipeg
(2)
xtina
(1)
zombies
(1)
LOOK AT ME!! LISTEN TO ME!!!
....In Tribes, by Nina Raines, at the Segal Centre in Montreal November 29th to December 20th 2015
....In Assassin's Creed: Syndicate, the new game out October 23rd. Voice and mo-cap. Look out, Andy Serkis: I'm comin' for your monkey crown.
...As Pauline, sassy kick-ass friend, in the upcoming first season of Atomic Puppet, a fun new series on Teletoon
...As Elijah, sassy British kick-ass friend, in the Bob the Slob pilot, http://www.teletoon.com/en/tv/bob-the-slob
...as various occasionally-appearing weirdos in the animated series Rocket Monkeys (Teletoon/Nickelodeon)
FOLLOW ME!!!
some facts on Emperor Norton, a much-beloved 19th century nutbar and one of my favourite dudes.
time wasters galore!
- an insanely funny and biting response to harper's arts cuts. this kills me.
- natalie dee's daily comic - and archives!!!
- T & A: Awesome Tracy Dawson's web series, penned by her and starring Tracy and Adam Shapiro. You will laugh your panties off....And we all want that.
- bert and ernie: hip hop stars
- planet unicorn: possibly my favourite tv series. and not just because each episode takes only six minutes to watch.
- simon & g perform "for emily...". watch this and THEN tell me you're not hot for garfunkel.
- iconcert calendar: oakey told me i needed this. she was right. now you need it, too.
- be kind rewind's official site....so much good stuff....take your time and look around
- free tetris online. never get anything done again.
- free pacman. ditto.
- scared of santa: the florida sun-sentinel's hilarious gallery of photos of kids freaking out on santa's lap. a mean funny, maybe, but FUNNY. stick with it through the boring shots and you'll see some priceless ones.
- the story of stuff: that consumer culture short film i can't say enough about: watch it, share it, pass it on.
- epicurious.com - my favourite recipe site. like my dad says, if you can read, you can cook. i can do a little of each.
- ikeahacker: learn how to make neat new stuff out of your old ikea stuff
other blewgers what i love
- theatre is territory: praxis theatre's waaay-beyond-promo site....a fascinating look at all things theatre
- that night in toronto: Katherine Grainger & Blair Francey intrepidly set out to video-log everything neat they can find
- ken munday is The Virgin Traveller....like The Skeptical Tourist's geeky little brother
- taking the wheel: jeff madden on life as a jersey boy, family man and all round helluva guy
- film nerd: awesome tracy dawson's thoughts on life, film and god knows what
- it's all happening: buddy oakey's amusing adventures as a stage managing gypsy...and sickening pictures of other people's babies
- community channel on youtube: hilarious video diary from a chick in sydney i found online while trying to learn to sound australian for an audition. very weird and funny.
words i like to say
- naked
- sushi
- nectarine
- trousers
- spank
- barium
- endometriosis (try slipping that one into polite conversation)
- elbow
- regurgitate
- plato
- play-do
- macaroni
- fart
- poo
words i hate
- nude
- word
- slacks
- horny
- purse
- rice
- neighbour
- penis
- canada (sorry. i just find it hard to say. every june my greatest fear is going to a voice audition where i have to say the words "canada day".)
- preppy
- width
- dick
the time machine: things worth bringing back
- those old yellowy cougar boots with the red tongue (i got rid of mine years ago and it makes me want to kill myself. and yes, i've looked on ebay. and everywhere. and no, the new updated version is not the same.I
- vintage adjectives: crummy, lousy, terrific, neat! so much better than saying everything is either awesome or sucks.
- gary cooper. hubba hubba.
- the young art garfunkel. ditto. don't laugh.
- jingles. good, old-fashioned, rhymy jingles.
- spanking: not just for the bedroom. hell, I want to hit most kids these days. and i'm not even their mother.
- butter
- supersliders in everybody's yard...though, in the interests of water conservation, use milk instead
- lester b. pearson: the guy who gets overlooked cuz everybody wanted to bang trudeau
in the future.....
- Girls will put themselves through college by wearing corporate logos across their bums. Wait....isn't that already happening? Oh....except they're NOT getting paid for it? Kill me now.
- Hard-working evil hackers will erase THE ENTIRE INTERNET. Yes, that includes your Facefuck page. You will totally flip out. Upside: Revenue Canada won't know how much money you owe them.
- The most lucrative and creepy crime will be DNA theft....people will clone stars of High School Musical 9 to keep as pets....and create "celebrothels" where you can hump your choice of Scarlet Johannsen, Jessica Alba, or Robin Williams. Why Robin Williams? Don't ask me, man - it's the future.
- New genres of music will include Wop Hop (Italian Rap), Doo Hop (Hip hop with vintage doo-wop group samples) and I-hop (rhymes about pancakes).
- In a bid to appear environmentally friendly, auto manufacturers will start naming cars after trees and shrubberies: The Ford Willow...The Toyota Sumach...The Chrysler Marshmallow. Hey, makes as much sense as animals (Rabbit, Mustang) and the abstract crap we've got now (Versa? Fusion? Escalade??).
- Also for enviro PR, corporations will enlist ad agencies to invent new phrases to replace "environmentally friendly". We'll end up with environmentally "sweet", "fuzzy", and "understanding". Also "Ecologically romantic".
try this at home
- Ask friends and acquaintances to describe the craziest thing they've ever walked in on. The stories you get will BLOW YOUR MIND.
- Pee (preferably into a toilet) while drinking a glass of water. Work on the timing so it seems like you're pouring the water straight through you. See? Fun. OH God, I have too much time on my hands.
- The Nortonorton: Absolut Citron vodka topped with soda, a few raspberries or blueberries thrown in as garnish. (Note: more berries = less skepticism.) Hey, if you can't have the real thing, at least you can get drunk and think about me.
- Mister Clean Magic Erasers (designed for kitchens and bathrooms) on your dingy old gym shoes. Holy crap! I love you, Mister Clean. You're so bald and sexy. Wait! I take that back! I hate you, Mister Clean! You are bald and sexy....but carcinogenic. And all your sexiness is bad for the environment. I can't in good conscience see you any more.
- Next time you see close friends or relatives: put your hand on your hip, cock an eyebrow or two, and say "Isn't there something you want to say to me?" See what they come up with.
- The fishpig sandwich: tuna salad (flaked white, mayo, pepper, a little mustard) and bacon. Had a weird craving as a teenager; never looked back.
faq
- Q: Dear Skeptical Tourist: Is it true that you are the awesomest, most motherfucking sexy woman IN THE WORLD?
- A: Why yes, that is, in fact, true. Though I don't like to brag about it myself.
- Q: Dear ST, Is your real name Lisa Norton?
- A: Actually, my REAL name is Rainbow ngutu Aparna Svenkuhnhgulin. But I thought I'd go with something more exotic.
- Q: Tourist! I love reading about your adventures! But how much of what you write is true?
- A: Absolutely EVERY WORD of what I write is - HEY! Look over there! Sorry.....what was I saying?
- Q: Dear Skeptical Tourist: How is it that you have "frequently asked questions" when only three people read your blog? And two of them are your parents.
- A: Jesus Christ, what is WRONG with you people? Last time I go out of my way to provide a valuable service to my legion of fans! Next thing you'll be accusing me of having imaginary friends! ME, Rainbow Aparna Svenhoongnuten! I am OUTTA here!
CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT OF THE WEEK
Warning: My head is made of Bisphenol A.
CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT OF SOME OTHER WEEK
- I like Stephane Dion.
- Red cars are stupid.
- Everything's gonna be all right.
- Breathing causes wrinkles.
- Slutty Xtina was hotter. I miss you, slutty Xtina.
- Pavarotti faked his death and is living in Bermuda with Bruce Lee, Virginia Woolf and former Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson
- Avaaz is getting on my nerves.
- Adrienne Clarkson is a big slut.
- Don't conserve! If we use up all the fossil fuels things'll have to get better from then on!
- Facebook is run by al-Qaeda.
- White men CAN jump.
- Stephen Harper, Dalton McGuinty and Mayor Miller making out would be hot.
- Gerard Kennedy and Michael Ignatieff making out would be REALLY hot.
- Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys....sucks.
- Peeing in the shower is not that gross.
- Michael Jackson seems like a nice guy.
- Beyonce Knowles is a raging lesbian. Oh...wait. Maybe that goes under Private Fantasy of the Week. Sorry.