the skeptical stage

From TORONTO,
March 16th, 2009

One year ago, Deeply Blessed Reader, I treated you to a little (invaluable, indespensably brilliant) missive containing The Skeptical Tourist's Advice to Young Actors. (See "The Practical Artist", March 2008 in The Skeptical Archives, at right.)

Since then, my people have been regaled, all but constantly, with demands for more. "What else?", you cry! How this, and Why that, and More More More!

When I run into recent theatre school graduates, or hold one of my impromptu five-hour talks in one of the schools, I am bombarded by young people who weep, fall to their knees, and tell me how much my advice has helped in their careers. Or something like that.

So now, Dear Readers, I lift you gently from the dirty ground and direct your humble eyes to my latest words of wisdom for those Treaders of the Boards out there. BEHOLD, my Little Reader:

THE SKEPTICAL TOURIST'S ADVICE TO YOUNG ACTORS......VOLUME II! The Super Awesome 2009 Holiday Spectacular (err....Spring Equinox? St. Patrick's Day?), Back By Popular Demand, New Improved Lost Weight Haven't You, Love the Hair, My God You're Sexy Edition! (Et cetera.)


And so I begin. Last time around, as you well remember, I gave a general(ly incredible) overview of the entire Business of Acting; today I will concentrate primarily on the stage itself(Which is usually very dirty, by the way, so always wear rubber gloves as part of any costume.)

First, some notes on connecting with your audience:

Since humour is the surest way to people's hearts (well, that and gifted oral), and since the whole point of this performing thing is to be the one they love the most....make 'em laugh!
Looking to spice up that little Holocaust comedy you're starring in? A well-placed fart joke goes a long way. But six fart jokes go even further.

Other popular methods include simulated humping (real humping reserved for dramatic moments/edgy Canadian plays only), open zippers on or around the crotch area, tripping, falling, double takes, spit takes, double spit takes, triple sow cow one eyebrow inverse reactive spit takes, and poo.

It's important to make eye contact with the audience as much as possible. This way, you can directly monitor that all-important connection, remaining in constant touch with how much the viewers are enjoying themselves. And it gives you something to do when you get bored. Calibrate your fart jokes according to both enjoyment levels, theirs and yours.

More essentially, this is your chance to scope out attractive audience members and decide which fans you'd like delivered to your dressing room for the traditional post-show psychedelic orgy.

In the case that there is an awards jury member, critic, or adjudicator of any kind at your performance that night, be extra diligent in maintaining eye contact and directing all your attention his/her way. It helps that you will have been alerted to the presence of such people by your faithful ushers, who will assist by keeping a flashlight beam continually trained on their faces throughout the show, making their reactions easier to spot. Again, adjust your performance as necessary. Lift your skirt in the critic's direction. Flash a little leg. Or a hundred dollar bill. Work his name into the show. In the case of The Toronto Star's Richard Ouzounian, make the play a musical that night. Jazz hands, people. And beam the entire curtain call at him. As he's running down the aisle towards the exit.

Find a way to make your character distinct. This needn't be anything huge or outrageous; something subtle like a hunchback or a twitch can be an equally effective choice. Be aware, though, that everything must increase exponentially in relation to the size of the theatre. In a larger space, try combining two or three memorable traits, such as the limp-funny accent-constant scratching combo. New York actors have been experimenting of late with exciting new combos, such as the funny accent-eye patch-projectile vomiting blend, with some success. Make this your own. Note, however, that 89% of successful combinations do begin with a funny accent. Hopefully your acting school will have given you the fundamentals you need to do dozens of dialects very badly. (Good renditions are rarely funny.)

Speaking of schools.....I must here take a moment to address a disturbing trend in actor training, something that's been upsetting me since first I heard about it. A lot is made, in theatre schools these days, of an experimental concept called "generosity". You must give to the other actors onstage, say your professors; you must make yourself "available" and "share" and be "unselfish".

Well, listen up, Young Actors! You needn't listen to this lousy bunch of Communists! This is America! (What's that, Editor?) This is Canada! And my forbears didn't fight for my rights, didn't forge the Declaration of Inde- What's that? - Charter of Rights and Freedoms or the Emancipation Procla-Constitution just so I could be told by some precious pansy (peculiar purple pie) Professor wearing a beret and an I Vote Arts and Culture pin, that I have give up those hard-earned rights and SHARE.

I refuse to be ashamed of myself! Don't you back down either, Actor-Reader! Take pride in who you are, white, black or...those other things! Take centre stage, God Dammit! And only move when you want to! Say what you want to say! And never, ever, look another actor in the eye! (Unless she has, say, green eyes and pretty lips and you plan to do her later.)

Pay no heed to the barefoot tree-hugging hippies who are trying to strip you of your rights as a Performer! Leave them, I say, in your theatrical dust! (Which is made of ground-up pixies, by the way, and available for sale at Theatrebooks on St. Thomas Street, just $18.99 a gram.)

Someone else who will try to tell you what to do is that asshole, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Some actors take his advice to the players as the word of God himself. But sawing the air with your hands and strutting and bellowing are staples of any strong performance. (In concert with twitches and flatulence.) And if you can't tear a passion to tatters, what can you do with it?

Hold fast, Young Thespian. Take my advice, keep getting better - though, sadly, never quite as good as me - and I will see you out there. I look forward to sharing the stage with you. Except not. You know what I mean.

Go, make you ready,

The Tourist


See The Tourist put all these principles - and more! - into action, in And Up They Flew, on now until April 4th at Toronto's Berkeley Street Theatre. www.theatrecolumbus.ca or 416 368 3110 for tickets.