the skeptical stage

From TORONTO,
March 16th, 2009

One year ago, Deeply Blessed Reader, I treated you to a little (invaluable, indespensably brilliant) missive containing The Skeptical Tourist's Advice to Young Actors. (See "The Practical Artist", March 2008 in The Skeptical Archives, at right.)

Since then, my people have been regaled, all but constantly, with demands for more. "What else?", you cry! How this, and Why that, and More More More!

When I run into recent theatre school graduates, or hold one of my impromptu five-hour talks in one of the schools, I am bombarded by young people who weep, fall to their knees, and tell me how much my advice has helped in their careers. Or something like that.

So now, Dear Readers, I lift you gently from the dirty ground and direct your humble eyes to my latest words of wisdom for those Treaders of the Boards out there. BEHOLD, my Little Reader:

THE SKEPTICAL TOURIST'S ADVICE TO YOUNG ACTORS......VOLUME II! The Super Awesome 2009 Holiday Spectacular (err....Spring Equinox? St. Patrick's Day?), Back By Popular Demand, New Improved Lost Weight Haven't You, Love the Hair, My God You're Sexy Edition! (Et cetera.)


And so I begin. Last time around, as you well remember, I gave a general(ly incredible) overview of the entire Business of Acting; today I will concentrate primarily on the stage itself(Which is usually very dirty, by the way, so always wear rubber gloves as part of any costume.)

First, some notes on connecting with your audience:

Since humour is the surest way to people's hearts (well, that and gifted oral), and since the whole point of this performing thing is to be the one they love the most....make 'em laugh!
Looking to spice up that little Holocaust comedy you're starring in? A well-placed fart joke goes a long way. But six fart jokes go even further.

Other popular methods include simulated humping (real humping reserved for dramatic moments/edgy Canadian plays only), open zippers on or around the crotch area, tripping, falling, double takes, spit takes, double spit takes, triple sow cow one eyebrow inverse reactive spit takes, and poo.

It's important to make eye contact with the audience as much as possible. This way, you can directly monitor that all-important connection, remaining in constant touch with how much the viewers are enjoying themselves. And it gives you something to do when you get bored. Calibrate your fart jokes according to both enjoyment levels, theirs and yours.

More essentially, this is your chance to scope out attractive audience members and decide which fans you'd like delivered to your dressing room for the traditional post-show psychedelic orgy.

In the case that there is an awards jury member, critic, or adjudicator of any kind at your performance that night, be extra diligent in maintaining eye contact and directing all your attention his/her way. It helps that you will have been alerted to the presence of such people by your faithful ushers, who will assist by keeping a flashlight beam continually trained on their faces throughout the show, making their reactions easier to spot. Again, adjust your performance as necessary. Lift your skirt in the critic's direction. Flash a little leg. Or a hundred dollar bill. Work his name into the show. In the case of The Toronto Star's Richard Ouzounian, make the play a musical that night. Jazz hands, people. And beam the entire curtain call at him. As he's running down the aisle towards the exit.

Find a way to make your character distinct. This needn't be anything huge or outrageous; something subtle like a hunchback or a twitch can be an equally effective choice. Be aware, though, that everything must increase exponentially in relation to the size of the theatre. In a larger space, try combining two or three memorable traits, such as the limp-funny accent-constant scratching combo. New York actors have been experimenting of late with exciting new combos, such as the funny accent-eye patch-projectile vomiting blend, with some success. Make this your own. Note, however, that 89% of successful combinations do begin with a funny accent. Hopefully your acting school will have given you the fundamentals you need to do dozens of dialects very badly. (Good renditions are rarely funny.)

Speaking of schools.....I must here take a moment to address a disturbing trend in actor training, something that's been upsetting me since first I heard about it. A lot is made, in theatre schools these days, of an experimental concept called "generosity". You must give to the other actors onstage, say your professors; you must make yourself "available" and "share" and be "unselfish".

Well, listen up, Young Actors! You needn't listen to this lousy bunch of Communists! This is America! (What's that, Editor?) This is Canada! And my forbears didn't fight for my rights, didn't forge the Declaration of Inde- What's that? - Charter of Rights and Freedoms or the Emancipation Procla-Constitution just so I could be told by some precious pansy (peculiar purple pie) Professor wearing a beret and an I Vote Arts and Culture pin, that I have give up those hard-earned rights and SHARE.

I refuse to be ashamed of myself! Don't you back down either, Actor-Reader! Take pride in who you are, white, black or...those other things! Take centre stage, God Dammit! And only move when you want to! Say what you want to say! And never, ever, look another actor in the eye! (Unless she has, say, green eyes and pretty lips and you plan to do her later.)

Pay no heed to the barefoot tree-hugging hippies who are trying to strip you of your rights as a Performer! Leave them, I say, in your theatrical dust! (Which is made of ground-up pixies, by the way, and available for sale at Theatrebooks on St. Thomas Street, just $18.99 a gram.)

Someone else who will try to tell you what to do is that asshole, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. Some actors take his advice to the players as the word of God himself. But sawing the air with your hands and strutting and bellowing are staples of any strong performance. (In concert with twitches and flatulence.) And if you can't tear a passion to tatters, what can you do with it?

Hold fast, Young Thespian. Take my advice, keep getting better - though, sadly, never quite as good as me - and I will see you out there. I look forward to sharing the stage with you. Except not. You know what I mean.

Go, make you ready,

The Tourist


See The Tourist put all these principles - and more! - into action, in And Up They Flew, on now until April 4th at Toronto's Berkeley Street Theatre. www.theatrecolumbus.ca or 416 368 3110 for tickets.

poverty is hot

From BLYTH, Ontario
September 5th, 2008

Two days left performing brilliantly on the Blyth Festival stage, Soft-Eyed, Shiny-Haired Reader, and my thoughts turn to the future. But first: whither updates on my summer? Why so quiet on all things Blyth, you ask?

Well...what can I say, really? Since one of my two shows closed, the schedule here has committed me to a gruelling six-hour work week (yes, you read that right), and the town itself, nestled as it is in its secret location eighty five kilometres outside the border of hell's half acre, leaves me with little to say. My biggest daily challenges over the last month have been deciding what to bake, stopping myself from leaping off the stage and tickling random audience members, and breaking out in a sweat on my couch watching tiny Chinese girls win gold medals at three a.m.

And what about my Great Big Vow Of Celibacy, you wonder? How is that particular challenge going for me? Well, let's just say that, as it turns out, the best way to meet somebody worth screwing on a regular basis.....is to take a Great Big Vow Of Celibacy. So ja, das vow ist kaput. And you certainly don't want to hear about that. Well okay, many of you do....but to those readers I can recommend several handy websites. No, I'm not on them - don't get your dirty little hopes up, Gutter-Minded Reader. I'm just saying.

So what do I have to share, from this time and place? What pearls of wisdom have my ruminations on the future yielded? Oh boy, you won't believe it! Here it is, my Squirty Little Honeys.....in preparation for my much anticipated return to Toronto and an(other) indefinite period of unemployment, I give you......

THE SKEPTICAL TOURIST'S GUIDE TO POVERTATIOUS LIVING, or.....
FUCK FUCK FUCK HOW DID I DO THIS LAST TIME?

There are always little things to get you through the hard times. Here are a few of my favourites:

Panhandle, late at night, preferably while wearing a balaclava, with the catchy pitch line, "Give me some money or I'll stab you in the face." Okay, so technically that's called "mugging", but must we get hung up on technicalities, people? God! I'm trying to get creative here; roll with it, will you?

Knock over a liquor store. By "knock over", I don't mean rob it. I mean steal a wrecking ball and KNOCK OVER A LIQUOR STORE. It won't do you any good financially, but fuck, dude, it will be awesome.

Go to a grade school during morning recess and play poker for the kids' lunch money. Careful, though, some of the little bastards are sharks. Beware grades three and up. And High Park Junior Public is a bitch. Try to find a school with lots of "special" kids. But not the freaky little smart autistic ones. If they don't have cash, play for gummy worms and sandwiches. In Scarborough, guns. Bonus features: Learn all the latest schoolyard poker slang. And meet hot teachers while being escorted off the premises. Get the digits. Note: Toronto District School Board teacher to unemployed actor = Hot Sugar Daddy. Avoid art and music teachers.....though I hear they may be cutting math and science, too.

Make your own currency using colourful pencil crayons and construction paper. If local merchants refuse to accept it, break things in their store. When cops arrive, offer hand jobs all around. Scot free! Repeat.

Wait for the phone to ring with auditions and job offers. Check for dial tone. Smash phone.

Want to keep busy with a hobby or classes during your unemployment? Interested in learning a new language? Easy. Since you can't afford fancy language classes or CDs...simply find a family that speaks the language you wish to learn and force them to be your new best friends. Invite yourself over for dinner. Make your own key. Sleep with their nieces and nephews.

In my case, I'd like to improve my Spanish, so both the food and the sex should be good. I'll spend Wednesdays with some Guatemalans I've been casing, Fridays with a nice old couple from Madrid, and Sundays - after Spanish-language services at Our Lady of Guadalupe (694 Weston Rd., free blood and body of Christ too....yum) - having dinner at Father Lopez' house.

Put things you can't afford on your one credit card that's isn't yet maxed out. Or, better yet, a borrowed one! Buy some electronics. Spend a day at the spa. Get that diamond-encrusted pimp-cup you've always wanted. And keep a baseball bat by every door of your apartment/cardboard box to deal with creditors. When things get really hot, change your identity and skip town. Hitchhike south and move in with Father Lopez' cousin, Ignacio, in Guadalajara. Get caught stealing avocados and move into a Mexican jail. Learn Spanish there....for free!!!

Entertainment on a non-existent budget? Watch TV through peoples' living room windows! Use your swiped universal remote to change the channel to what you want to watch. Tap on the glass and gesture for them to open the window so you can hear, goddammit.

Speaking of entertainment, the Toronto International Film Festival (or tiffy tiff tiff, as it's known to insiders) is in full swing right now. You know what that means - prime opportunities to take revenge on rich people. Get in line at galas and red carpets and yell, "You suck! Boooo!" at the stars, and try to get their bodyguards to tackle you so you can sue. Bonus points for kicking Angelina Jolie in the shins. Double if she's holding a baby at the time.

Think you can't eat well when you're down and out? Two words: Raccoon bake. Toronto also has no dearth of squirrels, bats and crawling rodents. That neighbour's yappy dog that won't shut up? Chihuahua quesadillas! The cat that keeps spraying your back porch? Tabby on a stick! That's right. This is my territory, bitch.

When feeling particularly bitter, go to Holt Renfrew, gather armfuls of beautiful designer clothes that you can't afford to buy, and ask to try them on. Take them into the dressing room and pee on them. Ha ha! That'll show you, Stella McCartney! Fuck you, Alexander McQueen! That's what you get.....ill-paid store employee! Oh.

Stand in the lobby of a bank and cry. Go ahead, let it all out. You'll feel better. Again, try to break and/or pee on something before leaving. Preferably a manager.

Keep a positive attitude. By murdering at will.

When bill collectors call, talk really, really softly. On being asked to speak up, apologize, saying that there's a problem with your phone and that they'll have to turn the volume up on their end. Once they've done so....scream as loud as you can into the receiver and hang up. Laugh...and laugh....and laugh..... (For some reason, this is even funnier when the caller works for Revenue Canada. I don't know why.)

Move into High Park. keep moving. Don't let the bastards catch you.

And finally, if, even with all of these suggestions for keeping your destitute life kicky and fun, you somehow get tired of being poor:
Take back what you said about Internet porn and pay the bills, yo. It's the responsible thing to do.

Always glad to be of service,

Your hero,

The Skeptical Tourist

the practical artist

From TORONTO,
March 1st, 2008

It has been brought to my recent attention that Larry LaForet, the administrator (read: guy who gets shit done) at my esteemed alma mater, Toronto's James Brown Theatre School, has been advertising this humble page in the school's newsletter. Imagine my surprise on discovering that an entire generation of young actors is being exposed to the thoughts, dreams and wisdom contained herein. This, I thought, is surely an opportunity that must not be passed by! I must do all I can to help these young people! I must warn them of pitfalls! Prepare them for joys! Direct them away from jobs that they will beat me out for! Ignore that last bit! Above all, I must use many -MANY! - exclamation points!!!(!)

So here, excitedly sweating and shivery reader, is the first ever official edition of.....
THE SKEPTICAL TOURIST'S ADVICE TO YOUNG ACTORS.

First things first.
On AUDITIONS:
It really can't be said enough: just be yourself. For instance, if you wake up the morning of a big audition wearing sweatpants and a bra.....Well, that's you, isn't it? And if it's good enough for you, it should be good enough for them. The last thing a director wants is one more cookie-cutter theatre school grad wearing pants and a shirt. I mean, please. Booooo-ring.

The Tourist's personal, much-honed, never-fail patented three secrets to landing theatre jobs:
1. Big Hair.
2. Loud voice.
3. Lots of facial expressions and hand gestures.

For film auditions, best to get as close to the camera as possible. About an inch or two will do. And again, speak as loudly as you can, and make exaggerated facial expressions - you don't want to lose a part because they missed something or because your choices were unclear.

The night before a voice audition, be sure to drink a lot of bourbon and smoke a pack or two of cigarettes. Suck some cock if possible. The scratchy sound is "in". Trust me. And if you don't get the job, hey, at least you had some fun preparing.

When auditioning/working for a woman, be sure to compliment her on how clever and articulate she is for a lady director. She needs and will appreciate the encouragement; use it unsparingly. In the case of a non-white director.....oh, wait. That never happens. Although, it must be said, the performing arts is right up there as one of Canada's most ethnically diverse employment sectors, coming only after:
Accountancy and business services
Advertising, marketing and PR
Banking, investment and insurance
Construction
Education
Engineering
Environmental, food chain and rural
Fashion and textile
Food and drink
Health
Hospitality
Human resources and recruitment
Information technology
Legal services
Local, regional and national government
Manufacturing
Oil, gas and petroleum
Property
Publishing
Retail
Science
Small to medium-sized enterprises (SMEs)
Social care
Sport and leisure
Tourism
Transport and logistics

So there you go. By the way, James Brown College does offer excellent courses in all of the above, in case you should happen to be interested. The motorcycle maintenance program has a particularly fine reputation, as does jewellery construction. Perhaps a double major?

On WORKSHOPS:
Throughout your wildly successful career, you will participate in many readings/workshops of new plays. Expect to be asked your candid opinion of the dialogue, character arcs, et cetera. I take this aspect of my work very seriously, and am always sure to present the author with pages of detailed notes and criticisms, harsh if necessary. It is of no help to anyone to be polite; if the play, in your valuable opinion, sucks, simply say, "This play sucks." And then walk out. It's direct, it's to the point, and the playwright will thank you later. At least I assume so. No one's thanked me yet....but it's just a matter of time.

On ACTING SHAKESPEARE:
Louder! More facial expressions! Bigger hair!

A general, but crucial note:
LIVE FAST! DIE YOUNG! (Hereafter referred to as LFDY)
Let's face it. Pretty soon your looks are going to fade and the parts will dry up. So you might as well enjoy life while you can. Besides, drugs are fun! Excessive drinking will impress your friends! And unprotected sex with strangers.....ROCKS! But you're in college, I don't need to tell you any of this. In fact, you could probably teach me a thing or two. To do so, contact me at your convenience.

On PLAY PRACTICE:
Here you are, fresh out of school, and you've landed your first gig. You are the youngest and least experienced person in the cast. Rehearsals begin this morning and you're terrified. Don't be, young and sexy reader! First of all, if you've been following the Golden Rule (see LFDY, above), the booze should have taken a bit of the edge off. Secondly, just look at it this way. You, of all people, are prepared for this process, freshly equipped with all the tools you need to get you through. For example, who in the rehearsal hall has the most recent experience whooshing around in a neutral mask being the wind? You do! Who is an expert at lying on the floor and moaning? Why, you again! Who knows the most stunning variety of trust and clapping games? You guessed it - YOU, you acting star you!

Speaking of trust and clapping games, don't hesitate to share these with your fellow professionals. Experienced performers, particularly much older ones who haven't had the benefit of recent theatre school training, will really appreciate what you have to give. Not only does taking, say, an hour of each rehearsal morning to teach trust exercises provide a forum for a true bonding experience amongst the cast, but your director is likely to be tangibly grateful and come to see you as an assistant director of sorts.

While on the topic of older actors, I should tell you that, yes, you can expect a share of ribbing about your youth. Costars will constantly squeal when they hear your age, pinch your cheeks or other parts of you, and remind you that they have socks that are not only older than you are, but have made more appearances on stage. This, however, is a situation that can be alleviated by use of another tried and true technique of mine. Think back. What did your dad always tell you about bullies? That's right: just bend over and take it quietly. But what did your grandpa tell you? If you let them get away with it the first time, it will never stop. Well, the same principle applies here. So, to set an unforgettable precedent, the first time someone refers to you as the "baby of the cast", immediately knee him right in the crotch. Then, to avoid awkwardness, explain that it's nothing personal and offer to teach him "the one where you clap your names across the circle". Better yet, offer help with that dialect he's obviously struggling with, or to tap his back during his vocal warmup. I took this approach with esteemed stage actor Jim Mezon, and we are the better friends for it.

on FILM:
How the fuck should I know? I mean, um.....

on FESTIVALS:
When you land your first season at one of the large theatre festivals, you will encounter the repertory system, working on two or three productions simultaneously. Take it from one with experience: one of the plays is bound to be lousy. Why waste your energy trying to make that one any good? Better to concentrate your efforts and talents (not to mention best facial expressions) on the play you like, and use the other one as a little break. Instead of preparing or warming up, get your knitting or decoupage done backstage - or better yet, ON stage. And why bother learning your lines when you can sneak a script on with you as a prop and simply read them aloud? As quickly as you can. Stage management will love you for this as you will be reliable, shave tens of minutes off a boring play, and can also prompt anyone else who forgets a line.

While on the topic of STAGE MANAGEMENT...... Many people are intimidated by their SM. This is silly. After all, the stage management, like all the rest of the support staff, is there to help you, the actor, at the front lines. Your stage manager will sometimes give you notes on your performance: while you may not actually take the notes, always smile politely and thank her; she is just trying to be a part of your important world. To make an assistant stage manager feel important, give her little tasks, such as fetching you coffee. These small gestures may seem insignificant, but believe me, they will add up, and your stage management team will never forget you.
This general approach also works well with designers (who by the way love, even need, to hear your every criticism of their work), technicians, production managers, publicists, and anyone else who works in your shadow.

Back to the rep system. Another aspect of this world is UNDERSTUDYING.
Don't forget that this is a collaborative experience. The role is as much yours as it is the actor's who is "playing" it; after all, you may need to go on at any moment. Ask questions of the other actor during rehearsals.....make sure you understand all of her choices.....offer help on bits she isn't getting right......try on her costumes from time to time to make sure they work for you. And if she seems tense on opening night, slip a little something in her water to help her relax. As they're always telling you in school, just be as generous as you can.

Above all, see the festival system as what it is: Summer Theatre Camp. And you know what that means: yet another great opportunity to....you guessed it, LIVE FAST DIE YOUNG! And at all costs (literally), don't leave your run there (or anywhere) with savings in the bank! Leave with an impressive wardrobe of expensive clothes and electronic gadgets that will comfort you through tough times to come!

Besides, everyone knows when you leave one gig, you get another one IMMEDIATELY! At least you will - if you're sure to follow all these valuable tips (and any more to follow) from.....

Your dearest friend,

The Skeptical Tourist